Hi Everyone!
Passover & Easter this week. Matzoh, chocolate, bunnies, painted eggs, … oy! Just don’t get sick! Have a great holiday and terrific week!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Hank Levine via Barry – Bumper Stickers
• Dave Thorn – 20 Things To Do With Matzoh
• Tom Sokolowski - $40,000 Funeral
• another fROM Sokolowski – My Living Will
• Lifestyles over 50 via SymanSays – Facts for April
• Chas Young – Celibacy
• Frank Ingrassia – Happy Easter
• another fROM Chas – Totally Politically Incorrect!
• Annie Shum – Footloose News
• jokefiles2@lycos.com via SymanSays - Some New Forms Of Office Illness
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fROM Hank Levine via Barry – Bumper Stickers
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fROM Dave Thorn – 20 Things To Do With Matzoh
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or just click here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMSEFCQCKPo
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fROM Tom Sokolowski - $40,000 Funeral
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Jim died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest
and dearest friend.
'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said. 'I'm sure you're right,'
replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did this really cost?'
'All of it,' said Sharon. 'Forty thousand.'
'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'
Sharon answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The
whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'
Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?'
"Four and a half carats."
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another fROM Sokolowski – My Living Will
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Last night my daughter and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.
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fROM Lifestyles over 50 via SymanSays – Facts for April
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Most American cars honk in the key of F.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
"Stewardess" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
A "jiffy" is a unit of time 1/100th of a second.
The average person spends six months of his, her life sitting at red lights.
Caesar salad has nothing to do with any of the Caesars. It was first concocted in a bar in Tijuana, Mexico, in the 1920's.
Because of the rotation of the earth, an object can be thrown farther if it is thrown west.
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fROM Chas Young - Celibacy
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Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy. This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered, 'Self-raising, isn't it?'
Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.
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fROM Frank Ingrassia – Happy Easter
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another fROM Chas – Totally Politically Incorrect!
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A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven.
He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them.
"Yes?", asks St. Peter.
"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani.
St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"
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fROM Annie Shum – Footloose News
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Click here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebQs1AxCkQo
-or-
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fROM jokefiles2@lycos.com via SymanSays - Some New Forms Of Office Illness
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• The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.
• The Driver's License Renewal Appointment 24 Hour Virus.
• The-Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.
• The I'm Looking For a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take, but I want to Stay On the Payroll Until Then. My Mysterious Infection.
• The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.
• The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenxa.
• The There's No Fedferal Holiday for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.
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