3 April 2009
Hi Everyone!
Did you notice no FF for the past couple of weeks? My sincere apologies, but my baby girl got married. And it was great … And so life goes on …
And the FF are back! Hope you like ‘em … and keep those cards and letters (and jokes) comin’! Thanks!!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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· Annie Shum – What’s Steve Wozniak’s Next Gig After Dancing With The Stars?
· Tom Sokolowski – Destiny
· the ImberBabe’s cousin Michelle – Italian Honeymooon
· Jerry Valentine – Ole & Sven
· Dave Thorn – Words of Wisdom
· EMDAlan – Buddy Hackett and the Duck
· The Mormon and the Irishman
· cousin Gaylannie – A Passover Story
· Alan Schulman & Annie Shum – The Modern Way
· fROM cousin Toby – Leftover Matzah – The solution!
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fROM Annie Shum – What’s Steve Wozniak’s Next Gig After Dancing With The Stars?
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebQs1AxCkQo&fmt=18
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fROM Tom Sokolowski - Destiny
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An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the
boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do,
and he didn't seem too concerned about it...
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try
an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whiskey and a Playboy magazine
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself.
"When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object
he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a
blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt- chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered . . .
"He's gonna run for Congress!"
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fROM the ImberBabe’s cousin Michelle – Italian Honeymooon
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After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"
Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food.
She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basketta.
The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.'
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nicea vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'
"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed to maka love. We just abouta to play hida da salami and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice...
'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'
"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus**
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fROM Jerry Valentine – Ole & Sven
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Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.
'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master.
Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks...
flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
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fROM Dave Thorn – Words of Wisdom
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"The N.C.A.A. tournament starts out at 65, then it goes right to 64, then 32, then 16, then four, then down to just one. I mean, it's like GM stock, really, when you think about it" -- David Letterman
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fROM EMDAlan – Buddy Hackett and the Duck
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And in case the player doesn't work -- http://blip.tv/file/1954237/
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – The Mormon and the Irishman
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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice. .. .."
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fROM cousin Gaylannie – A Passover Story
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The third day of Passover was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same Jewish neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a Passover breakfast, with orange juice, eggs, matzoh brei and coffee.
As she was pouring the coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”
He said, “F**k him, give him a dollar.” The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”
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fROM Alan Schulman & Annie Shum – The Modern Way
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From Alan: Here in Colorado we are much more efficient. We have a 6:1 ratio.
From Annie:
(click on the picture to enlarge)
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fROM cousin Toby – Leftover Matzoh – The solution!
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Passover is coming in less than a week.
And to the age-old question of what do we do with all the left-over matzoh, watch this video clip for suggestions. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMSEFCQCKPo
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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