Hi Everyone!
Gonna be a hot one this weekend! Hoping some of these set the tone for a great weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Barbara Rosenberg – Morning Sex
• Neil Stenlake – Dr Bumbutu
• Barbara Rosenberg – Just Because …
• EMDAlan – Just a Tap on the Shoulder
• Eddie R – Web Programmers: Take Note!
• Barbara Rosenberg - Important Medical Information for Women !!
• SymanSays – Famous Mother Quotes
• Joel Goldstein – A Priest, a Preacher and a Rabbi
• Aunt Marilyn – Exercise for People Over 50
• Fred Silver - NHS COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL
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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Morning Sex
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She was standing in the kitchen
Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake,
She turned and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought,
'I am either still dreaming or
This is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all;
Right there on the kitchen table..
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her
'T' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
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fROM Neil Stenlake – Dr Bumbutu
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A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr.
Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breast without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.
Dr Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and
say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she
grew a terrific D-cup rack!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized
she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little
rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her
eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr.
Bumbutu's?'
'Yes I am.. How did you know?'
He winked and whispered, '
Hickory dickory dock...'
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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Just Because …
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationa lly respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness..
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health Day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...
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fROM EMDAlan – Just a Tap on the Shoulder
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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, ' I ' m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me. '
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn ' t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, ' No, no, I ' m sorry, it ' s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab...................
I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
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fROM Eddie R – Web Programmers: Take Note!
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HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on November 4, 1926, in Amsterdam . Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands . Take a look at HEMA's product page. You can't order anything and it's in Dutch but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens. Don't click on any of the products pictured, just wait and see what happens. And be sure you have your sound turned up. This company has a sense of humor and a great computer programmer.
http://producten.hema.nl/
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fROM Barbara Rosenberg - Important Medical Information for Women !!
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I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.
WE MUST SPREAD THE WORD.
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fROM SymanSays – Famous Mother Quotes
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Famous Mother Quotes: -From bigguyhereagain@conego.ca-
HUMPRTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER:
Humpty, I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall, But would you listen to me? Noooooo!
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER:
Mike, can't you paint on the walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER:
All right, Napolean. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out and prove it!
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!
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fROM Joel Goldstein – A Priest, a Preacher and a Rabbi
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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together twoor three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and
limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and
confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..'
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start...
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fROM Aunt Marilyn – Exercise for People Over 50
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Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides and h old them there as long as you
can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks.
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fROM Fred Silver - NHS COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL
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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello." "Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well.. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the NHS will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The NHS Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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