13 April 2007

Hi Everyone!

Am away since last week ... not returning yet either ... still, the
fUNNIES march on! Very cute … enjoy!

:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions this week from --
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SymanSays – Arkansas
Gaylannie – Love
Another from Gaylannie – Saturday Funnie
Tom Sokolowski – Ultimate Female Joke
Reno Puntillo – Italian Boy Confession
Another from Reno – Brilliantly Funny

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From SymanSays – Arkansas
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The following questions and answers were collated from SAT tests
given in Sprigdale, Arkansas to 16 year old students.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things that keep carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What does "vericose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

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From Gaylannie – Love
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware
of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged
from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since
you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your
act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in
the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am
so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I
put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

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Another from Gaylannie – Saturday Funnie
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Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on
food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers
saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.

"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I vouldn't go up dat hill
und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon
tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."

The leader goes back and tells his people what the old Jew said. "So
why did he say not to go there?" a person asked. Other pioneers
said, "Oh, you know those Jews- they have a thing about pork."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.

Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except
the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Jew. Near
dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We
followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of
Indians who killed everyone but me."

The old man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute." He quickly
picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through
it. "Oy, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree...




"It vuz a ham bush."


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From Tom Sokolowski – Ultimate Female Joke
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ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE It has long been contended that there are male
jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here
is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the
hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman
who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly
attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned
over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything,
that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one
condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man
replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three
words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then
slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the
man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes,
and slowly and meaningfully said.... "Clean my house."


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From Reno Puntillo – Italian Boy Confession
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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny
Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You
cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads."

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Another from Reno – Brilliantly Funny
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This is brilliantly funny! Just click below and start laughing.
It's amazing what a guy can get away with, with a piece of wood
sitting on his lap.

http://www.youtube.com/v/-LBEWpjdp_4

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Have a great weekend! :) DrB