Hi Everyone!
A couple of groaners, amazing directions from Google, and some very cool photos! And my supermarket actually has some of the upgrades listed here! And I just loved the Weight Loss Program … Hopefully you’ll like ‘em too! Have a superdooper weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contents - Contributed by …
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* Jackster – Unbelievable Directions (but true!)
* Joanne Morris – Supermarket Upgrades
* Mark Colman – Finalists: ‘Last Photo I Ever Took’ Contest
* EMDAlan - Web Sites - Say Them Out Loud
* Dick Szeide – Serious Groaners
* Chas Young – This Is Good
* SymanSays - Occupational Work Hazards
* Nancy Roth – Weight Loss Program
* Jackster – Catholic School Bus Accident
* Don – Another Groaner
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(from Jackster – Unbelievable Directions (but true!)
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Take 60 seconds to do this.
I guarantee you will pass this on to someone else.
It's too funny not to.
1. go to www.google.com
2. click on "maps"
3. click on "get directions"
4. type New York in the first box (the "from" box)
5. type London in the second box (the "to" box) & hit "get directions" on the same line
6. scroll down to step #23 …
7. read the rest of the route
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(from Joanne Morris – Supermarket Upgrades
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The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
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(from Mark Colman – Finalists: ‘Last Photo I Ever Took’ Contest
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(from EMDAlan - Web Sites - Say Them Out Loud
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All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.
These are not made up. Check them out yourself!
1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com
2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com
6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales,
www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com
8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com
9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com
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(from Dick Szeide – Serious Groaners
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Einstein's 107th birthday passed recently almost unnoticed. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts; the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty. Oh be quiet - - - I didn't write this - - - I just forwarded it.
x x x x x x x x x
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
X x x x x x x x x
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of Seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
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(from Chas Young – This Is Good
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A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:
First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs, who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but`your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp, tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, And then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
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(from SymanSays - Occupational Work Hazards
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[ -From Harry Chapman- ]
Having served on various committees, I have drawn up a list of rules:
1) Never arrive on time: this stamps you as a beginner.
2) Don't say anything until the meeting is over: this stamps you as being wise.
3) Be as vague as possible: this avoids irritating others.
4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5) Be the first to move for adjournment: this will make you popular; it's what everyone is waiting for.
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(from Nancy Roth – Weight Loss Program
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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:
"I'm Dave. If I catch you, you're mine.
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(from Jackster – Catholic School Bus Accident
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A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip o f my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Lisa, What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Susie sticks her ass in it".
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(from Don – Another Groaner
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Sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow, a snail decided to purchase a fast car to make up the difference.
After shopping around, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was the car for him. So he went to the nearest Datsun dealer and said he wanted to buy the 240-Z, but that he wanted it to be repainted “240-S”.
The dealer asked, “Why ‘S’?”
“ ‘S’ stands for Snail. I want everybody I roar past to know who’s driving,” said the snail.
The dealer, wanting to lose neither his commission nor the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spends the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed.
Whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they’d say, “Wow! Look at that S-car go!”
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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