Hi Everyone!
Happy New Year! Best wishes for good health and good fun for the coming year! Today’s issue clearer is a bit more perverted than usual … blame the contributors! I’m only the messenger! And, Kim, I just don’t know what to say!
Enjoy the end of summer … and have a great weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Al Ramos – A Plumber With a Sense of Humor
• Chas young – Tell Me This Wont Happen to Us
• Tom Sokolowski – How To Save the Airlines
• Kim Auger – How Men Interpret Things
• Neil Stenlake – Success
• Rusty Rusthoven – Rednecks
• EMDAlan – Why Women Hate to Take Men on Vacation
• Bubba, The Arkansas Mortician
• Dick Sziede – Billy Graham
• Irving – Detective Work
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(from Al Ramos – A Plumber With a Sense of Humor
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(from Chas young – Tell Me This Wont Happen to Us
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An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.
The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
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(from Tom Sokolowski – How To Save the Airlines
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Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell --- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right --- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
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(from Kim Auger – How Men Interpret Things
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A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What Happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure....maybe she choked?
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(from Neil Stenlake - Success
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SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends.
At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.
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(from Rusty Rusthoven - Rednecks
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Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower = Cooter, Jim Bob, and Bubba.
As they start their descent down the tower, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Jim Bob says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."
Bubba says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. Jim Bob says, "Where did you get that beer, Bubba?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me," Bubba replies.
"That's unbelievable; you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Bubba says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Cooter's widow'."
She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow." then I said "I'll bet you a case of beer you are."
Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff.
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(from EMDAlan – Why Women Hate to Take Men on Vacation
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(from Barbara Rosenberg – Bubba, The Arkansas Mortician
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A man who just died is delivered to an Arkansas mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, "Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check. "Dere's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," Bubba says, "it didn't cost me a ting. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
"So, I just switched the heads."
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(from Dick Sziede – Billy Graham
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Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagementand when his plane arrived there was a limousine thereto transport him to his home. As he prepared to getinto the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver."You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have neverdriven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?" The driver said, "No problem Have at it."
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway.A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.The young trooper walked up to the driver's doorand when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor,"I know we are supposed to enforce the law... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies.I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."
The supervisor said,"Oh, so it's the president."
The young trooper said,"No, he's even moreimportant than that."
The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"The young trooper said,
"I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"
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(from Irving – Detective Work
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
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