Hi Everyone!
It’s been a LONG week for me … how ‘bout you? I’m looking forward to no alarm clock for a couple of mornings! Just maybe some of these fUNNIES will get you poppin’ for the weekend … they woke me up as I was putting the issue together!
Enjoy the beginning of Fall! And stay good!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Just Annette – SO True!
• Tom Sokolowski – The Card Game
• Syman – Thought & Joke of the Day
• Maureen Zack – Bubba
• Jackster – The Obedient Wife
• Chas Young – Rolf Harris Drawings
• Chuck Hopf – The Redneck’s Havin’ Triplets
• Neil Stenlake – Golf Cheat
• Judy Hirsch – The Great Flydini on Carson
• Shelly – the Jewish Parrot (Only On Yom Kippur!)
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(from Just Annette – SO True!
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A mom (Anita Renfroe) has condensed everything a mom might say to her kids in 24 hours into less than 3 minutes - to the tune of the William Tell Overture. Turn it up … and be prepared to listen to some really fast, really smart lyrics!
A Moms Tale by Anita Renfroe
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(from Tom Sokolowski – The Card Game
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Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.
Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." So Goldberg goes to the Meyerwitz unit and knocks on the door.
Mrs Meyerwitz yells from behind the door, "What do you want?"
Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home. He needs more money." "Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife." "I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
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(from Syman – Thought & Joke of the Day
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2 quickies –
Thought For The Day:
"I for one, support a tax hike. One more tax, and we all take a hike."
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JOKE OF THE DAY:
Bad Potato:
A diner in a restaurant called the waitress to his table. Pointying to a sad looking bad baked potato on his plate and said, "That potato is bad."
The waitress picked up the potato and slapped it roughly a couple of times. Then she put it back on the diner's plate.
"Now, "she told the customer, "If that potato gives you any more trouble, you just let me know."
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(from Maureen Zack - Bubba
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This is old, but it still makes me laugh!
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said,"Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician. “Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, ‘There's Bubba with them two assholes!’ “
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(from Jackster – The Obedient Wife
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There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
"Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
"Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
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(from Chas Young – Rolf Harris Drawings
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If you do not appreciate having received this, I apologise (Chas & Bernie)
Sound is totally unnecessary, but it’s there.
I have a track record in pushing the envelope at times, so … be warned!
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(from Chuck Hopf – The Redneck’s Havin’ Triplets
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Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down ... I think there's yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern ... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
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(from Neil Stenlake – Golf Cheat
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Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer. They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Dave congratulated her and paid off his losses.
Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, "You know, Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation. "He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.
The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf. Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.
On Friday's drive home, Dave said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say? "Pat burst into tears. "I can't!"
"What? Why not?" asked Dave. "Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!"
"What?!" aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry with me."
"You bastard!" Dave screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating bastard! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!"
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(from Judy Hirsch – The Great Flydini on Carson
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Steve Martin's magic act, the Great Flydini, as shown on the old Tonight show with Johnny Carson.
The Great Flydini by Steve Martin on Carsons Tonight Show
PS Also to all of you that think it's easy to figure out...it's not supposed to be a mind-numbing conundrum, the main purpose is that it's funny.
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(from Shelly – the Jewish Parrot (Only On Yom Kippur!)
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As Yom Kippur passed just last weekend as the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, this one really hits the mark for me. Apologies in advance if your Yiddish skills are not quite where they should be for this one! Just in case: daven means pray; tfillin - used in morning prayers, and "vus machts due" means how you doin'. ENJOY - Dr Bernie
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen in his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk...vus machts du?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. Perfect Yiddish.
The proprietor urged him, "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."
Meyer did. An African Grey cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst sprechen Yiddish?" (Can you speak Yiddish?)
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his late wife, Sarah, was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment district. About Florida.
The parrot listened and commented.
They shared some walnuts.
The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how lonely he would get on the weekends. They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his Tfillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do the same. Meyer went out and had a miniature set of tfillin hand made for the parrot.
The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He even wanted to learn to read Hebrew.
So Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.
One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument, so Meyer relented and carried the bird to Shul on his shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer persuaded them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer.
Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
Nothing.
"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everyone is looking at you!"
Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars..
He marched home, so upset he said nothing to the parrot.
Finally several blocks from the Temple the Parrot began to sing an old Yiddish song, as happy as a lark.
Meyer stopped and looked at him.
"Why? After I had tfillin made for you and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? WHY?!? Why did you do this to me?"
"Meyer, don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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