Hi Everyone!
Very funny this week! Thanks to everyone who submitted stuff! Have a great weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Tom Sokolowski – Circle Flies
• Judy Hirsch – Rooster Power
• Mark Colman – George
• Tom Sokolowski – Computer Comics
• Dennis Busuttil-Reynaud - ATTENTION!!!!
• SYMAN – Life
• EMDAlan – Careful Who You Tell These Stories Too
• Cousin Toby – Another Primal Greeting
• Neil Stenlake – 2 Ladies Talking in Heaven
• Barbara Rosenberg – How Quickly the Years Pass
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Circle Flies
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A cowboy from Texas hauling his horse in a trailer to a rodeo gets pulled over by an Oklahoma DPS Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were persistently buzzing around his head.
The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' a problem with them circle flies?
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"
"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass." "That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though".
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(from Judy Hirsch – Rooster Power
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John the farmer was in the fertilized-egg business. He had several hundred young layers (pullets) and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out anefficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on one particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result . . The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
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(from Mark Colman - George
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Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton's personal bathroom, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.
"Just think," he said, "When I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!"
Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill....
"I found out who Pissed in your Saxophone."
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Computer Comics
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(from Dennis Busuttil-Reynaud - ATTENTION!!!!
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ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE.
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(from SYMAN - Life
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Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Most of us go to our grave with music still inside us.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one persdon in the world, but you also may be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
We can learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors...but they all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
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(from EMDAlan – Careful Who You Tell These Stories Too
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#1
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
#2
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
#3
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said, "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
#4
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband, "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
#5
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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(from cousin Toby – Another Primal Greeting
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http://www.careerbuilder.com/monk-e-mail/Default.aspx?id=23205366&cbRecursionCnt=5&cbsid=08042ca8e05f4d439ba2d7b9481ebb8e-242618380-X4-2 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake – 2 Ladies Talking in Heaven
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Two ladies talking in heaven:
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?
1st woman: I Froze to Death.
2nd woman: How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit
shaking from the cold, I began to get warm &
sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a
massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early
to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching
TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another
woman there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this
up until I had looked everywhere, and
finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the
freezer---we'd both still be alive.
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(from Barbara Rosenberg – How Quickly the Years Pass
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+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
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