Hi Everyone!
Absolutely terrific this week … thanks from me to so many of you who sent some really great fUNNIES – I’m sorry I couldn’t get ‘em all in! But they’re in the queue! Hope you have a great weekend – me? I’m going to a birthday party for my one-year old granddaughter! Whoohoo!
Be good – and if you’re not, at least don’t get caught being bad!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From - ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• EMDAlan – the Prostate Exam
• Mark Colman – Forgive Your Enemies
• Tom Sokolowski – History Quiz
• Sokolowski – A Lady Dies …
• Irving4 – Believe in Yourself!
• Neil Stenlake - New Atomic Element Identified
• Stan Kegel – Puns & Riddles
• Chuck Hopf – Halloween Striptease
• Scott Dismukes – The Outhouse
• Frank Ingrassia - Magic Elevator
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(from EMDAlan – the Prostate Exam
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http://blip.tv/file/474820
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(from Mark Colman – Forgive Your Enemies
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Toward the end of Sunday service, the minister asked. "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" i don't have any, she replied, smiling sweetly. Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you? Ninety-eight, she replied. Oh, Mrs. Jones would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy? The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and said: "I outlived the bitches."
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(from Tom Sokolowski – History Quiz
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AND NOW ... HOW ABOUT A LITTLE QUIZ? A little history lesson: If you don't know the answer make your best guess. Answer all the questions before looking at the answers. Who said it? 1) "We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."
A. Karl Marx B. Adolph Hitler C. Joseph Stalin D. None of the above
2) "It's time for a new beginning, for an end to government of the few, by the few, and for the few...and to replace it with shared responsibility for shared prosperity."
A. Lenin B. Mussolini C. Idi Amin D. None of the Above
3) "(We)...can't just let business as usual go on, and that means something has to be taken away from some people."
A. Nikita Khrushev B. Jose f Goebbels C. Boris Yeltsin D. None of the above
4) "We have to build a political consensus and that requires people to give up a little bit of their own...in order to create this common ground."
A. Mao Tse Dung B. Hugo Chavez C. Kim Jong Il D. None of the above
5) "I certainly think the free-market has failed."
A. Karl Marx B. Lenin C. Molotov D. None of the above
6) "I think it's time to send a clear message to what has become the most profitable sector in (the) entire economy that they are being watched."
A. Pinochet B. Milosevic C. Saddam Hussein D. None of the above
Answers at the end of the fRIDAY fUNNIES.
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(from Sokolowski – A Lady Dies …
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A lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
Don't worry about that, says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh my God", says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
Not to worry", says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this", says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there", says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so", says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes drilled for that!"
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(from Irving4 – Believe in Yourself!
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(not really a joke … but, well, Wow! DrB )
Read First, Then Open the Link , Sit Back and Watch / Listen
This is a story about a gentleman, not that different from many of us: common, questioning his existence, measuring himself to others, never believing in his abilities or his worth.
Then one day, his passion outgrew his fears as he stepped onto a stage, a stage that took him to a place beyond his self imposed prison.
Watch the faces of the judges as this guy walks out on the stage. You can almost see what they're thinking as they prejudge this guy based on their own experiences and prejudices, his looks and the fact that he has chosen a plan vanilla occupation (he's a cell phone salesman).
He reached a point in his life where he stopped believing in what people told him for so many years and ultimately started listening to his passion.
http://www.maniacworld.com/Phone-Salesman-Amazes-Crowd.html
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(from Neil Stenlake - New Atomic Element Identified
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NEW ATOMIC ELEMENT IDENTIFIED: The New Element (Gv)
Recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron,
25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction (that would normally take less than a second) anytime from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
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(from Stan Kegel – Puns & Riddles
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RIDDLES
What would you get if you put your iPod in the refrigerator?
Very cool music.
Why don't bananas ever get lonely?
Because they go around in bunches.
Why do people work as bakers?
Because they knead the dough.
What did the little boy say to the lollipop?
I can lick you any day
What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
There was some money in the kitty!
What did the bridegroom do when his wife baked him a marble cake.
He took it for granite.
PUNS
Italian building inspectors in Pisa are leanient. (Mike Bull)
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
A lawyer joined a nudist colony, and he hasn't had a suit since.
VOCABULARY
Bassinet: What every fisherman wants
Carpet: A dog who enjoys riding in a automobile
Arson: Our daughter’s brother
Belong: To take your time
Celtics: "In the days of bloodletting, he would collect and CELTICS to physicians." (Stan Kegel)
GROANERS
Farmer Jones's cows had recently stopped giving good milk. So, he went around asking for advice, and someone told him that happy cows give good milk. So every morning he would go out and tell some jokes to his cows, and they would all laugh. But the rest of the cows in that community thought that the jokes were pretty stupid. Because of this, his cows became the laughing stock of the town.
My cousin was behind the bakery's cash register one morning when a gunman burst in and demanded all the cash. As she nervously handed over the money, she noticed the rolls of coins in the back of the register. "Do you want the rolls too?" she asked. "No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."
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(from Chuck Hopf – Halloween Striptease
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Watch this to the very end!
http://blip.tv/file/474861/
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(from Scott Dismukes – The Outhouse
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Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They
had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it ,because
it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter, and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek, and the boy determined that one day, he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered yes.
Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble, because he told the truth." The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
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(from Frank Ingrassia - Magic Elevator
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An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
"Go get your mother."
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Answers to the History Quiz:
(1) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/29/2004
(2) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 5/29/2007
(3) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007
(4) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007
(5) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007
(6) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 9/2/2005
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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