Hi Everyone!
A little late today … birthday shopping for the Princess … but better late than never,right? Hope you like ‘em … and the final video was sent 4 times … that’s a lot … it must be good!
Have a super weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Clark Kidd - The Blonde and the Ventriloquist
• Tom Sokolowski – A Raise for the Maid?
• Jerry Valentine – New Rules for 2008
• cousin Toby – Dad at the Mall
• Jackieten – Surely I Cant Look That Old?
• EMDAlan – Baby Boomers
• Maureen Zack – Apple Announcement
• Sokolowski – Getting Into Heaven
• Neil Stenlake – A Great Lawyer Story
• Paul, Mark, Tom and Frank - … - Momma Is Santa
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(from Clark Kidd - The Blonde and the Ventriloquist
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your dumb blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype people that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep people like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little guy on your knee".
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(from Tom Sokolowski – A Raise for the Maid?
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The Maid asked for a raise.
The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "The Master said so."
Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"
Maria: "The Master did."
Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."
SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE
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(from Jerry Valentine – New Rules for 2008
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New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Filet?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule:? Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
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(from cousin Toby – Dad at the Mall
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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.
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(from Jackieten – Surely I Cant Look That Old?
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Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?" Well...you'll love this one!
I am a woman and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly I remembered that a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate... or could he?
After he examined my teeth, I thought I really should at least ask if he had attended Verdana Morgan High School
"Yes! Yes, I did! I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1969. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely.
Then that old, wrinkled, baldheaded, fat, gray haired, decrepit son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
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(from EMDAlan – Baby Boomers
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You need to play this
http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/opinion/walthandelsman/blog/2007/11/animation_baby_boomers.html
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(from Maureen Zack – Apple Announcement
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Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size.
This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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(from Sokolowski – Getting Into Heaven
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After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello!" "How are you? We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked."Love."
The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
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(from Neil Stenlake – A Great Lawyer Story
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, too."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also ha ve a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."
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(from … - Momma Is Santa
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Thanks to Frank Ingrassia, Mark Colman, Paul Keister and Tom Sokolowski for each sending this in independent of each other!! DrB
http://blip.tv/file/488430/
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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