Hi Everyone!
A bit under the weather this week … bronchitis, coughs … general yuck .. and now the crud weather is coming! OY! Hope these get you what is likely a needed smile or two!
Stay terrific!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From - ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Stan Kegel – Kid Stuff
• Don – Wedding Gown
• EMDAlan – Holidays Away
• cousin Toby – Smart Ass Answers
• Paul Keister – Contractors
• Neil Stenlake – Call Center
• Barbara Rosenberg – The Divorced Barbie Doll
• Tom Sokolowski – Big People Words
• Tom Puddicombe – Too Far?
• Alan Knight – You Might Like This One …
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(from Stan Kegel – Kid Stuff
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What were the veggies grown in the 60s called?
Hip peas (Alex Ramirez)
What do you call a surgeon with eight arms?
A doctopus!
Which burns longer the candles on a boy's birthday cake, or those on a girls?
Neither, they both burn shorter.
What do prize fighters do before and after work?
Punch in and punch out. (Mike Bull)
If an egg came floating down the Green River, where did it come from?
A chicken.
Who ate his victims two by two?
Noah's shark!
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(from Don – Wedding Gown
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A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding; he died as we were checking into our hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk?
"That one was a Republican," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."
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(from EMDAlan – Holidays Away
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After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
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(from cousin Toby – Smart Ass Answers
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THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS ..........
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, Or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
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(from Paul Keister - Contractors
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These Contractors are installing the steel pillars in concrete to stop vehicles from parking on the pavement outside a Sports Bar downtown. They are now in the process of cleaning up at the end of the day and eager to go home.
How long do you think it will be before they realize where their vehicle is parked?
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(from Neil Stenlake – Call Center
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I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
I got a Call Centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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(from Barbara Rosenberg – The Divorced Barbie Doll
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One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie For $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95". The amazed father asks: "It's what?!
Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's testicles.
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Big People Words
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A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."
She then asked little Zach what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
[I love this]
Zach thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT
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(from Tom Puddicombe – Too Far?
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Automation taken a step too far?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgmQM9cDPHk
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(from Alan Knight – You Might Like This One …
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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She decides she to break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me for all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
' I'll explain the toy . ................................. You explain the kids.'
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H A P P Y H O L I D A Y S !!!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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