Hi Everyone!
Last fRIDAY fUNNIES of the year. Stay great in 2008!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From - ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Stan Kegel - Riddles
• Tom Sokolowski – Conversation
• Mark Colman – The Pope and Hillary
• Fred Silver – Calls to Support
• Irving4 – Holy Sh*t
• Maureen Zack – Tickle Me Elmo
• Tom Sokolowski - Service
• Tom Sokolowski – Churches and Squirrels
• Neil Stenlake – Pet Shop
• Barbara Rosenberg – Weather Warning
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stan Kegel - Riddles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do dentists get fat?
Because just about everything they do is filling
What happened when the cross-eyed dog chased a squirrel in the woods?
It barked up the wrong tree.
.
What made the dogcatcher wealthy?
He was paid by the pound.
What does a young boy in summer have in common with a tired dog?
They both have short pants.
Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?
So he could see how long he slept.
What did the ocean liner became when the professors took a cruise?
A scholar ship (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski - Conversation
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in
sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry juice along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.
I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the
love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful,
beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil.
Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had a few burning
questions, so I asked. "Jesus," I said, " What is the meaning
of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in
your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with
you some more, Senor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mark Colman – The Pope and Hillary
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Fred Silver – Calls to Support
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Samsung Electronics
Caller:????????? 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator:???? 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller:????????? 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator:????? 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
---------------------------------
Caller (inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)
'If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
---------------------------------
Tech Support:????????? 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer:???????????????? 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller:? 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Irving4 – Holy Sh*t
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of unbelievable photos.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen Zack – Tickle Me Elmo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski - Service
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
"It's the act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
Internal Revenue SERVICE
Postal SERVICE
Telephone SERVICE
Civil SERVICE
City & County Public SERVICE
Customer SERVICE
SERVICE Stations
Then I became confused about the word "SERVICE." This is not what I thought "SERVICE" meant.
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "SERVICE" a few of his cows.
BAM! It all came into perspective.
Now I understand what all those "SERVICE" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski – Churches and Squirrels
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were five country churches in a small TEXAS town:
The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church,
The Methodist Church,
The Catholic Church, and
The Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow, and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But, the Catholic church came up with the best and most effective solution: They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of their church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision, and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake – Pet Shop
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,"I'll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg – Weather Warning
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHEN YOU SEE THIS ON YOUR WAY OUT THE DOOR IN THE MORNING .....
go back in and have another cup of coffee. It is probably not going to be a good day!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend and a great 2008!!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES.
That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2007. All Rights Reserved.
No comments:
Post a Comment