Hi Everyone!
Happy Holidays! Stay terrific!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From - ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Barbara Rosenberg - Another Use For Duct Tape
• Tom Sokolowski – Seasons Greetings
• Dick Sziede – Golf
• Neil Stenlake – Urologist
• Barbara Rosenberg – Blonde Man Joke
• Neil Stenlake - Are We Getting Old?
• Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
• Maureen Zack – A Boca Christmas
• Mark Coleman – A Bad Day
• Paul Keister – In the Hospital …
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(from Barbara Rosenberg - Another Use For Duct Tape
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I have to tell you that I have never seen a better use for duct tape in my life. Makes you want to require everyone carry a roll for emergencies.
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Seasons Greetings
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To All My Democrat and Liberal Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.
To All MY Republican friends:
MERRY CHRISTMAS and A HAPPY NEW YEAR !
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(from Dick Sziede - Golf
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Clubs = $5,000
Bag = $1,500
Sticking your T&A out on TV with MasterCard as your sponsor = PRICELESS!
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(from Neil Stenlake - Urologist
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A man went to his appointment with the urologist. In the examining room he told the doctor, "Don't laugh!"
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In more than twenty years I've never Laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'willie' the doctor had ever seen.
It wasn't any bigger than a triple A battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
" I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don't know what came over me.
On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
Now, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," the man replied.
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(from Barbara Rosenberg – Blonde Man Joke
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An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw Burritos, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him ag ain!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much.'
(Oh, this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.'
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(from Neil Stenlake - Are We Getting Old?
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A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
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(from Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
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Useful Math Conversions
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
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(from Maureen Zack – A Boca Christmas
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'Twas the night before Christmas
and down here in Boca,
I was sitting at Starbucks,
drinking my mocha.
I know we're all Jewish,
but was wondering still,
if Santa would come here
and give us a thrill.
On my way home,
no Christmas lights did I see,
on the houses, the windows,
not even the trees.
What a strange feeling.
Not a decoration in sight.
Was it really December
or a warm summer's night?
I drove past the deli's,
there were lines out the door.
People were waiting
for kishka and more.
The restaruants were busy,
Christmas dinners not planned.
Never, not here
we're in Boca Land.
At home all was quiet.
I left out Kosher wine,
In case Santa came to Boca
for the very first time.
Snoozing came easy
to me Christmas Eve.
I wasn't waiting for presents
to be left under a tree.
I could hope all I want.
I could fuss and then see,
if Santa would make time
for little old me.
Then all of a sudden
he pulled up in his Jag,
with a sack full of presents
each sporting a tag.
Oh Bloomies, oh Saks
a computer and more.
He knows where to shop,
he frequents my stores!
He looked for the lox,
the bagels and jelly.
He came to Boca first
to fill up his belly!
"I have a long night ahead,
I want you to know.
From Boca I leave
for New York and the snow."
He stayed for a while,
he chatted and ate.
Then he left in a flash
before it got late.
What a great night
I thought with a sigh.
That jolly old Santa
is a really nice guy.
As I cleared off the table
I heard with delight
"Shalom to you all,
and OY, what a night!!
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(from Mark Coleman – A Bad Day
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For all, who may be having a bad day...
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(from Paul Keister – In the Hospital …
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A man woke up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor came in and said: "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. You probably don't remember, but you were in a pile-up. You're going to be okay; you'll walk again and all of your muscle control seems to be okay, but there is a bit of bad news, so I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can: your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The doctor continued: "We've checked your insurance and you've actually got $9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. However, it doesn't come cheap. It costs one thousand dollars an inch."
Hearing this, the guy perked up a bit.
"So, you see, it's a simple decision" said the doctor. "You need to decide how many inches you want, but it's something you might wish to discuss with your wife. For example, if you had a five-inch penis before, and you now decide to go for a nine inch penis, she might be a bit upset by the hefty expenditure. On the other hand, if you had a nine-incher before, and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be a bit disappointed with your performance. Therefore, it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision. Come on back tomorrow and let me know what you both decide."
The guy agreed to talk with his wife and left.
The next day he was back in the doctor's office.
"So," said the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have." said the patient.
"And has she helped you to make the decision?"
"Yes, she has" the guy said.
"And what is the decision?" asked the doctor.
"We're putting in a new kitchen" said the guy.
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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