27 April 2007 (Dr Bernie's Birthday! Whoohoo!)

27 April 2007

Hi Everyone!

Well it’s that special day again (Dr Bernie’s actual birthday). It’s cold, raining, thundering, and yucky … yup, another happy birthday! Hope you get some good chuckles from these!

:-)> Dr Bernie

PS – And thanks to Maureen Zack for actually remembering when she sent me her joke this week! I’m impressed!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Paul Keister – State Road
* Don – Blonde With 2 Chimps
* Maureen Zack – How To Start Each Day With a Positive Outlook
* Lyn Hecker – Unbelievable
* Stan Kegel - Jest For The Pun Of It
* Chas Young - Mathematics
* Jim Lewis – Mere Coincidence?
* Chas Young – D H Lawrence Would’ve Been Proud To Write This!
* Jackster – Priest in the Village
* Dick Szeide – Perks of Being Over 60
* Bonus Movie - from Chas Young - Why Sex Before Marriage is Essential


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Paul Keister – State Road
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy goes to the West Virginia DOH office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in the armed forces for three years"

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M. "

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.

"This is a state job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Don – Blonde With 2 Chimps
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already, so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen Zack – How To Start Each Day With a Positive Outlook
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it 'George Bush'

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your PC will ask you, 'Do you really want to get rid of 'George Bush?'

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

7. Feel better.

PS: Next week we'll do Cheney


PPS: Happy Birthday, Dr. Bernie!!!!!!!!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Lyn Hecker - Unbelievable
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stan Kegel - Jest For The Pun Of It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you get when 20 violinists start playing at the same time but play different songs? A senseless act of violins. -Mel Brightman-

When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing. -Henny Youngman

Studying for a difficult nutrition exam can be hard to digest. -Jumble-

Did you hear about the upholsterer's who couldn't cover their costs? -Paul Benoit

An unemployed jester is nobody's fool. -Danny Kaye-

He wears glasses during math because it improves division.. - Pun of the Day-

In the old South, another name for bridesmaids is wedding belles. -Jumble

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chas Young - Mathematics
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

* What Makes 100%?

* What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

* Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%?

* We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give
over 100%. How about achieving 103%?

* What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If the alphabetical letters
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
are respectively represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jim Lewis – Mere Coincidence?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that
an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and
cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government. However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months later, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condoleezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were all born.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? This information may clear up a lot of questions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chas Young – D H Lawrence Would’ve Been Proud To Write This!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This one goes well with the previous fUNNY! :) DrB



Maybe the book is available in Roswell New Mexico too! :) DrB
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackster – Priest in the Village
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A priest kept chickens at his village parish. One evening while feeding the chickens he noticed the cock was missing. At Mass the priest asked, " Who has a cock?" And all the men got up. "No I meant who has seen a cock?" And all the women stood up. "No I meant who seen a cock that isn't theirs' And half the women stood up. "Oh for
goodness sake I meant who has seen my cock?" And all choir boys stood
up!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dick Szeide – Perks of Being Over 60
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PERKS OF BEING OVER 60

1 Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you????

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 PM .

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17 Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list .
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Movie - from Chas Young - Why Sex Before Marriage is Essential
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Click To Play

Self-explanatory!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.

Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2007. All Rights Reserved.

20 April 2007

20 April 2007

Hi Everyone!

A couple of groaners, amazing directions from Google, and some very cool photos! And my supermarket actually has some of the upgrades listed here! And I just loved the Weight Loss Program … Hopefully you’ll like ‘em too! Have a superdooper weekend!


:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contents - Contributed by …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Jackster – Unbelievable Directions (but true!)
* Joanne Morris – Supermarket Upgrades
* Mark Colman – Finalists: ‘Last Photo I Ever Took’ Contest
* EMDAlan - Web Sites - Say Them Out Loud
* Dick Szeide – Serious Groaners
* Chas Young – This Is Good
* SymanSays - Occupational Work Hazards
* Nancy Roth – Weight Loss Program
* Jackster – Catholic School Bus Accident
* Don – Another Groaner

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackster – Unbelievable Directions (but true!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Take 60 seconds to do this.
I guarantee you will pass this on to someone else.
It's too funny not to.

1. go to www.google.com
2. click on "maps"
3. click on "get directions"
4. type New York in the first box (the "from" box)
5. type London in the second box (the "to" box) & hit "get directions" on the same line
6. scroll down to step #23 …
7. read the rest of the route

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Joanne Morris – Supermarket Upgrades
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mark Colman – Finalists: ‘Last Photo I Ever Took’ Contest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from EMDAlan - Web Sites - Say Them Out Loud
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.

These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com

2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales,
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Dick Szeide – Serious Groaners
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Einstein's 107th birthday passed recently almost unnoticed. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts; the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty. Oh be quiet - - - I didn't write this - - - I just forwarded it.

x x x x x x x x x

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

X x x x x x x x x

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of Seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chas Young – This Is Good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender.

So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:

First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs, who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but`your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp, tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, And then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from SymanSays - Occupational Work Hazards
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[ -From Harry Chapman- ]

Having served on various committees, I have drawn up a list of rules:

1) Never arrive on time: this stamps you as a beginner.

2) Don't say anything until the meeting is over: this stamps you as being wise.

3) Be as vague as possible: this avoids irritating others.

4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.

5) Be the first to move for adjournment: this will make you popular; it's what everyone is waiting for.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Nancy Roth – Weight Loss Program
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:

"I'm Dave. If I catch you, you're mine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Jackster – Catholic School Bus Accident
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip o f my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Lisa, What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Susie sticks her ass in it".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Don – Another Groaner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow, a snail decided to purchase a fast car to make up the difference.

After shopping around, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was the car for him. So he went to the nearest Datsun dealer and said he wanted to buy the 240-Z, but that he wanted it to be repainted “240-S”.

The dealer asked, “Why ‘S’?”

“ ‘S’ stands for Snail. I want everybody I roar past to know who’s driving,” said the snail.

The dealer, wanting to lose neither his commission nor the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spends the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed.

Whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they’d say, “Wow! Look at that S-car go!”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

13 April 2007

Hi Everyone!

Am away since last week ... not returning yet either ... still, the
fUNNIES march on! Very cute … enjoy!

:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions this week from --
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SymanSays – Arkansas
Gaylannie – Love
Another from Gaylannie – Saturday Funnie
Tom Sokolowski – Ultimate Female Joke
Reno Puntillo – Italian Boy Confession
Another from Reno – Brilliantly Funny

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From SymanSays – Arkansas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following questions and answers were collated from SAT tests
given in Sprigdale, Arkansas to 16 year old students.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things that keep carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What does "vericose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Gaylannie – Love
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware
of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged
from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since
you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your
act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in
the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am
so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I
put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another from Gaylannie – Saturday Funnie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on
food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers
saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.

"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I vouldn't go up dat hill
und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon
tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."

The leader goes back and tells his people what the old Jew said. "So
why did he say not to go there?" a person asked. Other pioneers
said, "Oh, you know those Jews- they have a thing about pork."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.

Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except
the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Jew. Near
dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We
followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of
Indians who killed everyone but me."

The old man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute." He quickly
picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through
it. "Oy, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree...




"It vuz a ham bush."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Tom Sokolowski – Ultimate Female Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE It has long been contended that there are male
jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here
is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the
hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman
who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly
attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned
over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything,
that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one
condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man
replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three
words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then
slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the
man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes,
and slowly and meaningfully said.... "Clean my house."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Reno Puntillo – Italian Boy Confession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny
Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You
cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another from Reno – Brilliantly Funny
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is brilliantly funny! Just click below and start laughing.
It's amazing what a guy can get away with, with a piece of wood
sitting on his lap.

http://www.youtube.com/v/-LBEWpjdp_4

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have a great weekend! :) DrB