Hi Everyone!
To my loyal faithful readers: my most humblest apologies! No fUNNIES last Friday (lots of rain, didn’t have to get up, so it became a vacation day), and yesterday, well, lets call it a hardware problem that still isn’t completely resolved! Oy!
So anyway, I made this issue a GIANT in the tradition of Archie, Veronica, Jughead and Mr Weatherbee! Extra funnies are included, so make a few extra minutes for these … a splendid time will be had by all!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Stan Kegel – Assorted Fun
• Frank Ingrassia – Air Travel Stories
• Maureen Zack – The Kennedy Plan
• Tom Sokolowski – Mothers Know
• Barbara Rosenberg – Old But Still Cute
• Annie Shum – Drunk Student Swallows Doorkey
• Jim Lewis – Self-Explanatory
• Neil Stenlake – Bacon and Eggs
• Maureen Zack – Loving Husband
• Irving4 – Nothing Lasts Forever
• Maureen Zack – Vote Carefully
• EMDAlan - Little Melissa Ginsberg
• Mark Colman – Spanish to Communicate With Your Maid
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(from Stan Kegel – Assorted Fun
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Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive and saw a beautiful model walking towards them. "What a babe," one said, "I'd sure like to screw her!" "Really?" the other responded, "Out of what?"
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A guy was cleaning a septic tank and accidentally fell in. He couldn't swim so he just went through the movements!
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Max the plumber was summoned to a mansion to fix a leak and, discovering a very pretty maid there, he lost no time trying to combine business with pleasure. The girl refused on the grounds that her mistress was home, and she didn't want to be discovered and fired. After several refusals, Max finished the job and returned to his shop. Next morning his phone rang and his caller was the maid. In dulcet tones, she informed him that her mistress was out and asked if he wanted to come over and see her. "What!" yelled Max. "On my own time?"
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A little girl and her mother were out and about.
Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age.
You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother was very shocked.
She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
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(from Frank Ingrassia – Air Travel Stories
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Subject: explanation of why the government is such a mess!!!
Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an Airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts ; Capetown is in Africa ." Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada ?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh!!)
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(from Maureen Zack – The Kennedy Plan
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Mothers Know
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One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who
is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half years old and had
just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other
injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one
of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening
news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought
Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of
tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made
her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it
was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea
for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it
ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is
the toilet??'
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(from Barbara Rosenberg – Old But Still Cute
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A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here Rub it.'
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is only allowed one!' The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.' 'No shit!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?'
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(from Annie Shum – Drunk Student Swallows Doorkey
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Keyhole surgery? Drunk student swallows doorkey
Wed Feb 6, 7:25 AM ET
A British student swallowed his door key to prevent friends from forcing him to go home because he was drunk, reports said Wednesday.
Chris Foster, studying computer design at Bournemouth University in southern England, had drunk six beers as well as vodka and whisky when his friends decided he should go home and sleep it off.
But the 18-year-old wanted to keep partying. "My friends said I'd had too much to drink and should go to my room. But I didn't want to so I swallowed my door key," he said, according to the Daily Mirror.
He slept on a friend's sofa, and the next morning couldn't remember a thing. When told what he had done, he thought they were joking. "I thought it was a wind-up when my friend said I had swallowed it.
"But my throat and stomach didn't feel quite right."
A nurse friend advised him to go to hospital just in case -- and he was finally convinced when the two-inch (five cm) house-key showed up clearly on an X-ray.
"I was stunned when I saw the key, but couldn't stop laughing -- even the doctors were sniggering. They said 'let nature to take its course' and it appeared next day," he said.
Fully recovered -- albeit still a little sore -- Foster remains philosophical about the experience.
"I just laughed at the idea of stopping drinking, I wanted to carry on and not go home. So I dry swallowed my own door key as a prank," he told the Basingstoke Gazette.
"It didn't hurt at the time but now my throat is slightly scratched and it's so painful to eat and drink."
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(from Jim Lewis – Self-Explanatory
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(from Neil Stenlake – Bacon and Eggs
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A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.'Not yet,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks. 'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. ! I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?'
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(another from Maureen Zack – Loving Husband
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(from Irving4 – Nothing Lasts Forever
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(from Maureen Zack – Vote Carefully
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John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose
job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he
bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell
had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster
was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency
report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he
was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets , hear ing the roosters
coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so
it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to
the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the
Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the
judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece
Prize but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible!
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(from EMDAlan - Little Melissa Ginsberg
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Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks,"will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a
Little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the f*cker!
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(from Mark Colman – Spanish to Communicate With Your Maid
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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