29 February 2008
Hi Everyone!
Get ready … some great fUNNIES are here today! Apologies to everyone who sent in a great joke and I just ran out of room! But they’re in the queue!
Have a superdooper weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- Syman – This is My Story
- Neil Stenlake - Promises
- Barbara Rosenberg - The Rebbetzin and the Butcher
- Stan Kegel – Puns and Groaners
- Barbara Rosenberg – Babysitting Dad
- Tom Sokolowski – Calories Burned During Sex
- Paul Keister – On the Oil Crisis
- Don – Top 10 Signs You Might Be A Muslim Member of the Taliban
- Tom Sokolowski – Anyone You Know
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(from Syman – This is My Story
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We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat. I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me!
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
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(from Neil Stenlake - Promises
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(from Barbara Rosenberg - The Rebbetzin and the Butcher
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A Rabbi died and his widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. The town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.
The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed, because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education.
However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.
After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the Mikvah, the Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities.
Then she went home to prepare to light the candles.
The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the Mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex."
So they did.
She lit the candles.
He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex."
So they did.
They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue, it's good to have sex."
So they did.
After praying all morning, they came home to rest; and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's good to have sex."
So they did.
On Sunday, she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?"
She replied, "Well, he's no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."
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(from Stan Kegel – Puns and Groaners
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PUNS
In order to become an electrician, you have to go through a battery of tests.
Did you hear about the blonde who waited on the street corner with a piece of bread to get some traffic jam.
Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!
Tailors have a measure of happiness because they are well suited to their jobs.
Every oven in the restaurant was broken. The patrons got a raw deal.
"I saw Pinocchio last night! No, not the movie, the real Pinocchio!"
"You're joking!?" "Nope, I wooden kid you!"
GROANERS
A police officer notices a car weaving in and out of traffic so he takes off after it. Pulling up along side of it, he notices a little old lady behind the wheel and she is knitting as she drives.
Completely flabbergasted, he yells for her to, "Pull over! Pull over!"
"No!" she shouts back, "It's' a scarf!"
The old west was full of cowboys who were good cow-ordinators. They had consider-a-bull talent, though sometimes they would stirrup trouble. Sometimes they took hay to bed in order to feed their night mares. One cowboy reached for his gun and drew a blank. Eventually they would go off to a rodeo to try and get a few bucks. (Mike Bull)
Working for a pediatrician calls for stifling a chuckle from time to time. When a frantic mother phoned to tell us her baby had a high temperature of 102, we had to know whether she was taking the reading under the arm, in the mouth or elsewhere. So we asked, "How are you taking it?" Her reply: "Oh, I'm holding up pretty well.
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(from Barbara Rosenberg – Babysitting Dad
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One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Calories Burned During Sex
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(from Paul Keister – On the Oil Crisis
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On the oil crisis
A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
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Well, there's a very simple answer.
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Nobody bothered to check the oil.
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We just didn't know we were getting low.
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The reason for that is purely geographical.
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Our OIL is located in
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~~~
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Coastal
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Coastal
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and
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Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Any Questions ???
NO? I didn't Think So.
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(from Don – Top 10 Signs You Might Be A Muslim Member of the Taliban
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10. You refine heroin for a living; but you have a moral objection to beer.
9. You own a $500 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
8. You have more wives than teeth.
7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look big?"
3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
2. A common compliment is, "I love what you've done with your cave."
And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a Muslim member of the Taliban:
1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Anyone You Know
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(from
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A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?"
the traveler
asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There wa s no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.
That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
Soooo ....
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.
When you ar e very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.
So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile. ;-)
You are all welcome at my water bowl anytime. :-)
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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