Fri 16 Feb 08

15 February 2008

Hi Everyone!

Oldies, raunchies, my oh my! Hope you get big laughs out of these! Enjoy the weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From - ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Tom Sokolowski – Pick Your Favorite Caption
• Barbara Rosenberg - The Sign
• Another Sokolowksi – Seasonal Depression
• SymanSays – A Familiar Quote
• Neil Stenlake – New Drink
• Clark Kidd – Bear Hunting
• Mark Colman - Oilfield Humor
• Rich Olcott - A Cop's Worst Nightmare
• Barbara Rosenberg – An Oldie But a Very Goodie
• Jeff Ross via the Imberbabe – Stock Tips

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(from Tom Sokolowski – Pick Your Favorite Caption
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Pick Your Favorite Caption



1. "Why did I marry her? Why didn't I just put a loaded gun in my mouth? Why God, Why?"

2. "Holy crap, look at that ass. Somewhere, a semi-truck is missing its 'Oversized Load' sign.

3. "Somewhere, there's two fat girls naked in a hot tub and I'm stuck here listening to her jabber on about health care. Cheese, Rush is right, she does sound like Nurse Ratchett."

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(from Barbara Rosenberg - The Sign
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(another from Sokolowksi – Seasonal Depression
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With seasonal depression here, now we find even mental health systems are affected by out-sourcing.

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

I got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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(from SymanSays – A Familiar Quote
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An 85-year old woman decided to take up skydiving. After she attended instruction classes, the day came for her first jump. Strapping on a parachute, she stood awaiting her turn to leap out of the plane. But when she looked at the ground below, she lost her nerve.
Finally, she reached into her pocket, pulled out a small transmitter and radioed her instructor on the ground:

"Help! I've gotten up, and I can't fall down."

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(from Neil Stenlake – New Drink
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*** Be warned here ***

A woman and her husband are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about
this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her husband into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The husband looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. 'First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.'

So, the husband, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK He drinks the shot of Baileys... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks... this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

In one second the sharp lime taste hits.. At two seconds the Baileys curdles. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits.

At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his wife, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his wife, and says, 'Jesus, what do you call that drink?'

She smiles widely at him and says 'Blow Job Revenge’.

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(from Clark Kidd – Bear Hunting
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The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the Rugged Mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up

One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about Grizzly bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?

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(from Mark Colman - Oilfield Humor
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After a bad blowout three oilfield workers ¬ a Toollpusher, a Company man, and a Driller ¬ were walking around the rigsite.

As they're walking along the edge of the pad, they saw a naked foot sticking out of a bush. When they investigated, they found the nude body of the young female geologist. Her clothing had been blown off of her body by the explosion.

Out of respect and propriety, the Toolpusher immediately took off his hard hat and placed it over her left breast.

Quickly following suit, the Driller took off his hardhat and placed it over her right breast.

They looked over at the Company man. After much complaining and grumbling, the Company man placed his hardhat over the young woman's private parts.

The county Medical Examiner showed up to check the body. He lifted the Toolpusher's hardhat and then put it back down and hastily scribbled some notes on his report. Then he lifted the Drillers hardhat and put it back down and took some more notes.

Finally he lifted the Company man's hardhat and set it back down. Hesitating, he bent back over, lifted it up and looked again, then set it down. Still unsure of what to do, he looked a third time underneath the Company man's hardhat.

Annoyed, the Company man asked him, "What's wrong with you? Are you some kind of pervert?''

"Well," said the Medical Examiner, "I am just simply surprised. Normally, when you look under a Company man's hat... you find an asshole."

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(from Rich Olcott - A Cop's Worst Nightmare ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anyone who has ever been in law enforcement prays that they will never get a call like this on their watch. WARNING ---- The photo is very graphic. NOT FOR THE WEAK OF HEART................



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(from Barbara Rosenberg – An Oldie But a Very Goodie
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Shmuel's Testimony

Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck.
Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. " Just answer the question." Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."

"The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question"

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele."

Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans.

Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes. Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"

"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?"

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(from Jeff Ross via the Imberbabe – Stock Tips
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I thought you might benefit from some stock tips from my broker.

• Helium is up, feathers were down.
• Paper was stationery.
• Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
• Knives were up sharply.
• Cows steered into a bull market.
• Pencils lost a few points.
• Hiking equipment was trailing.
• Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
• Weights were up in heavy trading.
• Light switches were off.
• Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
• Diapers remain unchanged.
• Shipping line stayed at an even keel.
• The market for raisins dried up.
• Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
• Sun peaked at midday.
• Balloon prices were inflated
• And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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