Hi Everyone!
Great fUNNIES, pictures and video this week! Hope you get that well needed smile and laughs! Have a great weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- · Tom Sokolowski – A Hockey Story
- · Clark Kidd – Presidential Election
- · EMDAlan – Irish Humor
- · Stan Kegel – Prepare to Crash
- · Mark Colman – What to Wear
- · SYMAN - Science vs. Religion
- · Joel Goldstein – A Tale of Two Brains: Men vs Women
- · Jim Lewis – Another Dream Shattered
- · Barbara Rosenberg – The Haircut
- · Neil Stenlake – Useful Tool Glossary
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(from Tom Sokolowski – A Hockey Story
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The NJ DEVILS foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US.
The DEVILS sign him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.
Two weeks later the DEVILS are down 4-0 to the Rangers with only 10 minutes left. The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game!
When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says.
"I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time, playing a game."
The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry? You're Sorry?" says his mom. "It's your fault we moved to Newark in the first place."
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(from Clark Kidd – Presidential Election
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Our three choices in the upcoming Presidential election - Look close!)
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(from EMDAlan – Irish Humor
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An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
'No,' replied the Irishman 'I've lost all me luggage!'
'How'd that happen?'
'The cork fell out!' said the Irishman.
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'The Brothel'
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, 'Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad.'
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, 'Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well.'
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, 'What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
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Irish Cemetery
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..
'Come have a look over here,' says Paddy, 'It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.'
'That's nothing,' says Sean, 'here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.'!
Just then, Seamus yells out, 'Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!'
'What was his name?' asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, 'Miles, from Dublin.'
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(from Stan Kegel – Prepare to Crash
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Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces, "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing, assume the brace position immediately!"
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst.
Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.
Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask, "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!"
Claudia responds, "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces...which is why I am putting on my make-up."
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity.
Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout, "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!"
Cindy responds, "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts... which is why I am exposing my tits!"
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle."
Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell, "Naomi... Are you crazy? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?"
Calmly, Naomi responds, "Bitches please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"
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(from Mark Colman – What to Wear
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A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. 'Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.'
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. 'Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.'
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
'Let me tell you a story,' replied the rabbi. 'A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.
The man protested, 'What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?' 'No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.'
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(from SYMAN - Science vs. Religion
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God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, Lord, we don't need You anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what You did in the beginning."
Oh, is that so? tell me..." replies God.
"Well, says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man.
"Well that's interesting,. Show Me."
So, the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh, no, no no..." interrupts God.
"Get your own dirt."
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(from Joel Goldstein – A Tale of Two Brains: Men vs Women
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Have a seat, turn the volume up and prepare to laugh!
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(from Jim Lewis – Another Dream Shattered
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Finally , someone has managed to photograph the pot at the end of the rainbow!!! Wouldn't you know it!!!!!
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(from Barbara Rosenberg – The Haircut
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A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, 'How
long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and
said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door
and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and
asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an
hour and a half.'
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Bill, do me a favor.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has
to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So where does that guy go when he leaves?'
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, 'Your house.'
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(from Neil Stenlake – Useful Tool Glossary
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You may find this helpful around the house/garage....
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that
freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, 'Yeouw....'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond
the original intended target object.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for
manicures.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration
enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction
of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,'
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same
rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few
hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been
permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power
to shock the mechanic
senseless.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids,
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt;
but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts
which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and
instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is
also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's
hands.
DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab and
throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs.
It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really
big hammer
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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