25 April 2008

25 April 2008

Hi Everyone!

They’re great … have a super weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From -
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• Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
• Chuck Hopf - Bikers
• Paul Keister – 08 Elections
• EMDAlan – Religion
• Linda UK Wright – Alaskan Women
• SYMAN – Surgery
• Tom Sokolowski – The Bank Robber
• Tom Sokolowski – Nude Sunbathing
• Gerry Rusthoven – Talking Dog
• Chas Young - Grandma & Grandpa

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(from Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids

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Where should a baseball player never wear red?

- In the bull pen

Why did the computer go to the doctor

- Because it had a virus

How does the universe hold up its pants?

- With an asteroid belt

What do you call a worn-out rifle?

- A shot gun

Why was the bride upset at her husband the wedding?

- Because he hadn't groomed himself

What book has the most stirring chapters?

- A cook book (Bennett Cerf)

Why is it hard to keep a bank robbery a secret?

- Because so many people who work there are tellers.

What is a sheep's favorite painting?

- The Mona Fleesa

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(from Chuck Hopf - Bikers

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A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. NYT reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, ' Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life. Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right. Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?'

Harley Davidson and I am a Republican.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

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(from Paul Keister – 08 Elections

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I'm forwarding this without comment, in the hopes that nothing gets lost in the translation. From a Danish perspective -

'We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer that is married to a lawyer, and on the other side, you have a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

On the third side, you have a true war hero, married to a woman with nice hooters, who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there a contest here?'

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(from EMDAlan - Religion

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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

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(from Linda UK Wright – Alaskan Women

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Three men from Texas were sitting together one day bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Illinois and had told her that she was going to have to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Michigan. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Alaska. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

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(from SYMAN - Surgery

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An older genetleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son: do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you."

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(from Tom Sokolowski – The Bank Robber

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Man robs a bank and takes hostages.

He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

Hostage answers yes.

Robber shoots him in the head.

Asks second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

Hostage answers no, but my wife did.

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(from Tom Sokolowski – Nude Sunbathing

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(from Gerry Rusthoven – Talking Dog

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A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money on women, booze and gambling

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Dallas that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk!'

'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $1,000.' the young cowboy says. 'I'll get him in the course.'

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.

The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son,' his father asks.

'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he says, 'but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!'

'Read!' says his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?'

'Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.' The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?' '

The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talked to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.)

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(from Chas Young - Grandma & Grandpa

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Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.'

'How much?' asked Grandpa.

'$10.00 a pill,' Answered the son.

'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.'

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.

'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma!'

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

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Dr. Bernie Domanski

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