18 April 2008
Hi Everyone!
Passover starts this weekend, so of course lots of appropriate (and inappropriate) holiday fUNNIES start to fly! Hope you get your fill of these … And if you can stand even one more, surf over to JibJab guys - http://www.jibjab.com/sendables/387?cmpid=347 – it’s just swell!
And thanks to everyone, jewish or otherwise, who made the time to crack me up this week!
And don’t worry – there’s lots of non-Passover stuff too – even my favorite: blonde jokes (thanks Leilani!)
Hope everyone gets out to enjoy the Spring! It’s BEAUTIFUL outside! Whoohoo!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- · EMDAlan – Daddy’s Car
- · cousin Eliane – Divorce: Jewish Style
- · Chas Young – 3 Women
- · Denny Adams – Love Dress
- · Tom Sokolowski – The Farmer & the Rooster
- · cousin Rosette – The Jewish Dog
- · Elyse – Matzoh Man
- · And another link from cousin Toby …
- · the ImberBabe – They Won the Lottery
- · Aunt Marilyn – The Passover Seat
- · Neil Stenlake – Two Priests
- · Tom Sokolowski – Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
- · Leilani Allen – Because You Love These (Blonde Jokes)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from EMDAlan – Daddy’s Car
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daddy's Car In The Woods
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass
By the school playground and go into the woods.
Being curious, he followed the car and saw
Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that
He could hardly contain himself as he ran home
And started to tell his mother.
"Mommy, I was at the playground and
I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went on back to look and
He was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss,
And then he helped her take off her shirt!
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
Pants off, then Aunt Jane..." At this point Mommy cut him off and said,
"Johnny, this is such an interesting story,
Suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face
When you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table that evening,
Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
So Johnny started his story,
I was at the playground today and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went on back to look
And he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss,
Then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,
Then she and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to dow when Daddy was in the Army."
Mommy fainted!
Moral:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from cousin Eliane – Daddy’s Car
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
HAPPY PASSOVER!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chas Young – 3 Women
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men ... that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again.
The engaged girlfriend: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: 'You are the woman of my life, I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat ... he did not say anything, but we had wild sex all night."
The married one: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: 'All right Batman, what's for dinner?'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Denny Adams – Love Dress
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, and dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski – The Farmer & the Rooster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, 'sir, what's that on your shoulder?'
the old farmer said, 'oh, that's my pet rooster, chucky. Wherever i go, chucky goes.'
'i am sorry sir,' said the ticket agent. 'We can't allow animals in the theater.'
the old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named mildred and marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.
The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
'Marge,' whispered mildred
'what?' said marge.
'I think the guy next to me is a pervert.'
'what makes you think so?' asked marge.
'He undid his pants and he has his thing out,' whispered mildred.
'Well, don't worry about it,' said marge. 'At our age we've seen 'em all.'
'i thought so, too,' said mildred, 'but this one's eatin' my popcorn!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from cousin Rosette – The Jewish Dog
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem."
Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem."
"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.
"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.
"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"
Irving , the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house , a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"
Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"
Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Elyse – Matzoh Man
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short, entertaining, on the money!
http://www.jewishinstlouis.org/page.html?ArticleID=137163
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And one more from cousin Toby:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.msu.edu/user/avniassa/passover/whowhowho.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from the ImberBabe – They Won the Lottery
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly Jewish couple in London won twenty million pounds on the lottery.
They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a
magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all
the material wealth imaginable.
They decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an
agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home.
The day after his arrival,he was instructed to set up the dining
table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left
the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for eight.
Perplexed, they asked the butler why it was set for eight when they
had expressly asked him to set it for four.
The butler replied, 'The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Aunt Marilyn – The Passover Seat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake – Two Priests
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing
anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought
some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their
"tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs,
enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead
gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards
them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning,
Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them
individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in
the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went
back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to
enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde,
wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came
walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said
"Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk
away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a
minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to
know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Father, it's me,............ Sister Kathleen!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowski – Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud)
รจ No offense meant at all to all of my oriental friends! Please! <--
| English | Chinese |
| That's not right | Sum Ting Wong |
| Are you harboring a fugitive? | Hu Yu Hai Ding |
| See me ASAP | Kum Hia Nao |
| Stupid Man | Dum Fuk |
| Small Horse | Tai Ni Po Ni |
| Did you go to the beach? | Wai Yu So Tan |
| I bumped into a coffee table | Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni |
| I think you need a face lift | Chin Tu Fat |
| It's very dark in here | Wai So Dim |
| I thought you were on a diet | Wai Yu Mun Ching |
| This is a tow away zone | No Pah King |
| Our meeting is scheduled for next week | Wai Yu Kum Nao |
| Staying out of sight | Lei Ying Lo |
| He's cleaning his automobile | Wa Shing Ka |
| Your body odor is offensive | Yu Stin Ki Pu |
| Great | Fa Kin Su Pa |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Leilani Allen – Because You Love These (Blonde Jokes)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can you tell when a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?
There are M&M shells all over the floor!
Why did the blonde quit his restroom-attendant job?
He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!
What happens when a blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead?
She sighs and says, "Here we go again!"
Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her ex-husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe!
What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot!
A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock.
The blonde replied, "What for? Are you going to set it on fire?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2008. All Rights Reserved.
No comments:
Post a Comment