30 May 2008

30 May 2008

Hi Everyone!

Hopefully, something for everybody! Enjoy the summer weekend! Whoohoo!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From -
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• Neil Stenlake – Petrol Prices
• Mark Colman - A Float in the Parade
• Paul Keister – The Hillbilly Vasectomy
• Tom Sokolowski – Two Cows (Updated)
• EMDAlan – Reach Out And Touch Someone
• Dick Sziede – Little Vito Strikes Again
• John Meeker – Nutrition Alert
• Stan Kegel – Adult Humor
• Chas Young – For the Oldies Among Us

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(from Neil Stenlake – Petrol Prices

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(from Mark Colman - A Float in the Parade

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(from Paul Keister – The Hillbilly Vasectomy

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After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to '10'.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to h is ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Texas, Louisiana, Georgia, Mississippi, Florida, West Virginia and Washington DC.

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(from Tom Sokolowski – Two Cows (Updated)

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DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.


REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one,
milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives
to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

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(from EMDAlan – Reach Out And Touch Someone

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Dear Rabbi,
I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting. My eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago Sunday school admonition to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry, and clothe the naked.' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out and touch this person'!

So I did..........

I won't be in temple this week!

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(from Dick Sziede – Little Vito Strikes Again

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A school teacher in Brooklyn asked her 5th grade students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said;

"My family went to my grandfather's farm in the Catkills, and we all saw his pet sheep; it was fascinating."

The teacher said; "That was good Molly, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'."

Myron next raised his hand and said;

"My family went to see Atlantic City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said; "Well, that was also good Myron, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinated."

Then Little Vito raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Vito before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Vito said;

"My cousin Gina has a sweater with ten buttons; but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.

The teacher sat down and cried.

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(from Chas Young – Thoughts of a Wandering Mind

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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help 'groups'?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

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(from John Meeker – Nutrition Alert

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After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word
on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer
heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink whatever the hell you like. Speaking English is
apparently what kills you, but the U.S. Government is trying to correct the
problem.

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(from Stan Kegel – Adult Humor

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One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

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(from Chas Young – For the Oldies Among Us

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski

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