Hi Everyone!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Syman – Joke of the Day
• Stan Kegel – Riddles
• Chas Young – Test for Dementia
• cousin Gaylannie – Quite a Son-in-Law
• Margaret Greenberg - It's all in the way you look at it.....
• Denny Adams – King
• Paul Keister – Noah
• Elyse K – Charley C-%
• Tom Sokolowski – Two Trucks
• And one more from Sokolowski – 100 Bucks
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(from Syman – Joke of the Day
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Diet Tips: -From owenk@comcast.net-
A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.
Diet Pills Can Help:
"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds. "I don't want you to swallow them. Just spit them on the floor twice a day and to pick them up, one at a time."
___________
"No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office." -George Bernard Shaw-
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(from Stan Kegel - Riddles
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If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe.
What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog ?
The man wears a suit, the dog just pants. (James Ertner)
What do you get if you cross a camera and a crocodile?
A snapshot
What kind of phone would you find in the ocean?
A shell-phone
How can you tell twin witches apart?
It's not easy to tell which witch is which.
What animals are poor dancers?
Four-legged ones, because they have two left feet.
PUNS
They arrested the barber for running a clip joint. (Cynthia MacGregor)
The waiter won the tennis match because he was a good server.
When the icicle fell on the mailman's head, he was out cold.
When the magician made his beautiful helper disappear, she was nothing to look at.
Father and son love sunflower seeds, and the son is the spitting image of his dad. (Mike Bull)
Monorail enthusiasts have a one track mind.
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(from Chas Young – Test for Dementia
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'It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.'
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
There are only 5 questions, so don't get all excited and confused yet.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces between the question and answers below are there so you don't see the correct answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' maybe you should give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' maybe you shouldn't even attempt to answer the next question. Your brain is apparently over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks, and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall , Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany). Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land'
between East Germany and West Germany.
Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land'?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're in real bad shape and for your own sake you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from New York to Atlanta. In New York, 17 people get on the bus. In Philadelphia, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Baltimore, two people get off and four get on. In Washington, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Richmond, three people get off and five people get on. In Charlotte, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Atlanta. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? Or have you forgotten it was YOU driving the BUS!!
Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!
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(from cousin Gaylannie – Quite a Son-in-Law
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A Jewish girl brings her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancé to his study for schnapps.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancé.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
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(from Margaret Greenberg - It's all in the way you look at it.....
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(1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in
the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling
from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom! That lady isn't
wearing a seat belt!'
( 2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his
mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of
his parents.'
( 3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the
phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
( 4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When
he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for
cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter? Haven't
you ever seen a little boy before?'
( 5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted
by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are
you a cop?'
'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed
help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well,
then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
( 6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I
gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring
in at me 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled,
the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he
do?'
( 7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used
to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by
the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One
day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth
fairy will never believe this!'
( 8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit.' 'And why not, darling?' The little girl replied, 'You know that it always
gives you a headache the next morning'.
( 9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the
intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and
his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed,
they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers;
and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and INTO the hole he goooes.'
( 10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.
'I can't read, I can't write, AND..... they won't let me talk!'
(11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through
the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and
looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found!' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's
underwear!'
It's all in the way you look at it.....
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(from Denny Adams - King
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King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"
"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt, whereupon, a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
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(from Paul Keister - Noah
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In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah,
who was now living in the United States, and said:
'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
'You have six months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -
but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed.
I needed a building permit.
I've been arguing with the inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws
by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted
for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions,
to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us,
but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem.
There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls -
but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodations were too restrictive,
and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission
on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status
of most of the people who want to work.
The trade unions say I can't use my sons.
They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord,
but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord.
'The government beat me to it.'
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(from Elyse K – Charley C-%
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A NEW TWIST....
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave
the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc .
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain,
Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan'
An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right?
Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't
know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
We No Longer Call It the 'Cockpit',
It's the 'Box Office'.
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Two Trucks
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Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied..
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(another from Sokolowski – 100 Bucks
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Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on this privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping,
you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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