4th of July!

The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com (full media) and
at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only).

The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

This Weeks Contributions --

· Chas Young – Kids are Quick

· Cousin Barbara – 2 Old Jewish Guys

· Chas Young – Jewish Olympic Swimmer

· Irv Robbins – Best Lawyer Story

· Dave Thorn – Good for Us

· Lyn Hecker – Pictures to Mess With Your Mind

· SymanSays - Shingles Gail via Shelly – Cut the Crap

· Mark Colman – At the Ladies Biker Bar

· Tom Sokolowski – Crusty Old Biker

· Clark Kidd – Jesus Was …

Great stuff for the 4th of July ... some Jewish jokes, bikers, blondes, lawyers ... it's all here! Happy Weekend! :) DrB
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from Chas Young – Kids are Quick
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,

but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your

brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when

people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

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from cousin Barbara – 2 Old Jewish Guys
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Two old Jewish guys, one 85 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench
one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 85 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy..

The 87 year old said 'Vell, Moshk I eat rye bread every day. It keeps
mine energy level high and you'll have great stamina vit de vomen.'

So, on the way home, Mosh stops at the bakery. As he was looking
around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, 'Tell me lady, do
you have any rye bread?'

She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like one?'

He said, 'I vant 5 loaves please .

She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
it will be hard'

He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in this ferkockte vorld knows
about this sh*t EXCEPT ME !!!.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Chas Young – Jewish Olympic Swimmer
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from Irv Robbins – Best Lawyer Story
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and

expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great

cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on

the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of

small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that

the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company

that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the

lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the

cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them

against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable

fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance

company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his

loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him

arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case

being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally

burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail

and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal

Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA !

NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS

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from Dave Thorn – Good for Us
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A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the
average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the American Medical Association found that
Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, Americans get almost 41 miles to the gallon.

KIND OF MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Lyn Hecker – Pictures to Mess With Your Mind
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THIS IS A CEILING MURAL IN A SMOKER'S LOUNGE.

There's another..below.

BATHROOM PAINTED FLOOR!!!

IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY ....

Tenth floor of a hi-rise building.....

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM...

You open the door...

NOW, REMEMBER THE FLOOR IS JUST A PAINTED FLOOR!

KINDA TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY.....

DOESN'T IT?

Scroll sloooooooowly. .....

Would you be able to walk into this bathroom???

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from SymanSays - Shingles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him to have a seat.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had Bubba said, "Shingles."

So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiagram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later th doctor came in, and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"

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from Gail via Shelly – Cut the Crap
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from Mark Colman – At the Ladies Biker Bar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.?

He finds
his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for
awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it
is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five
things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister.. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?'

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...
Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Tom Sokolowski – Crusty Old Biker
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $3.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.75

HAND JOB: $100.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'May I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'

The old biker replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger ! '

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Clark Kidd – Jesus Was …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother Was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

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Have a great weekend!