Hi Everyone!
One of those weeks … lots of nutness! Love the Write In Candidate below – check it out! Have a great weekend.
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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Chas Young – Naval Chief Petty Officer
Elyse – You Named It What
Paul Keister – Water Inspection
Don - Perfect
Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
Aunt Marilyn – Why Am I Married?
StevenDDS – Is This Your Life?
Neil Stenlake – Two Hunters
EMDAlan – A Write-In Candidate
cousin Eliane – Rose and Barb
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(from Chas Young – Naval Chief Petty Officer
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An old but still ruggedly handsome Navy Chief Petty Officer found
himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There
was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one
of whom approached the Chief for conversation.
"Excuse me, Chief, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something
bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you've been with a woman?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously, I mean, 1955!"
Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him
to a private room where she proceeded to spend some time with him.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I
hope not, it's only 2130 now."
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(from Elyse – You Named It What
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(from Paul Keister – Water Inspection
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The Department of Water Resources Representative stops at a ranch and talks
with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation'.
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there'.
The Water Representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.
See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.
No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the Water Rep running for his life
and close behind is the rancher's huge Brahma bull. The bull is gaining with every step.
The Rep is clearly terrified , so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to
the fence and yells at the top of hi s lungs.....
'YOUR CARD, SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!!!
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(from Don - Perfect
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A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you - I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little ole Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again;
"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars...Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", says the little old Jewish man..."Costs too much..."
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(from Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
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How is a drama teacher like the Pony Express?
He's a stage coach
Why did the baker stop baking bread?
Because he wasn't making enough dough.
Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
No, they had an apple.
What did one tail pipe say to the other tail pipe?
I'm exhausted.
What do you call the person who draws portraits of crime suspects?
A con artist
What is the difference between a frog and a cat?
A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times. (James Ertner)
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(from Aunt Marilyn – Why Am I Married?
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WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
__________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
__________
(I vote this one the best)
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
__________
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________
Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
__________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
__________
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy..'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'
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(from StevenDDS – Is This Your Life?
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John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he
turned over to his wife's side of the bed.
His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and
she was downstairs pr eparing breakfast in the
kitchen.Afraid that he might spoil things by getting
up, John called his little boy into the room and asked
him to take this note to your beautiful Mommy.'
The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked
her son to take this to Daddy.
Her note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.
Then, he asked his son to take it back to 'the lady in
the kitchen.'
His note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her
son to take this to the poor dude upstairs.'
Her note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
Do It By Hand
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(from Neil Stenlake – Two Hunters
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One day there were two hunters out in the woods hunting. Their names were Bob and Jim. Jim accidentally shoots Bob. Panicking, Jim uses his mobile phone to call 911.
Jim says "Hi, me and my friend where out hunting together and I saw what looked like a deer, so I shot it, but it was actually Bob, and I think he might be dead. What should I do?"
The woman on the other end answers,"Ok, first you have to make sure he is dead."
He says "Ok." Then the woman hears Jim drop the phone, then some noise, and then she hears a loud boom. Then Jim picks up the phone and says "Ok, now what."
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(from EMDAlan – A Write-In Candidate
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I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.
HERE IS MY PLATFORM:
(1) "Press 1 for English" is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.
(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. N O imports, no exports.
We will use the 'Wal-Mart's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'
(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.
(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. The president nor any other politician will not be able to touch it.
(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.
(7) Professional Athletes --Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.
(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences. If convicted, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.
(9) One export will be allowed; Wheat, The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off t he national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.
(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.
(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.
Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes but a vote for me will get you better than what you have, and better than what you're gonna get. Thanks for listening, and remember to write in my name on the ballot in November.
God Bless America !!!!!!!!!!!
Bill Cosby!!!!!!!!
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(from cousin Eliane – Rose and Barb
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Two 95-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there.' Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on. A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.' 'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?' 'Barb -- it's me, Rose.' 'You're not Rose. Rose just died.' 'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice. 'Rose! Where are you?' In Heaven,' replied Rose. I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb. The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.' 'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams So what's the bad news?' 'You're pitching Tuesday.'
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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