Fri 06 Sep 2008

6 September 2008

Hi Everyone!

Hurricane Hannah is outside my window right now! Whoohoo! Don’t worry – it’s just rain and wind – what could happen??? Have a Super Weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

• Elyse – Don’t Get a Tattoo When You’re Drunk
• Sheldon via Gary Berger – Genesis
• Mark Colman – Some Non-Political Cartoons
• Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
• Candace – You Know a Joke Like This Had to Come …
• Fred Silver – The Parrot and the Magician
• Jackster – Slide Show About Creation
• Neil Stenlake – How Beer Works
• Tom Sokolowski – Summer Warning
• Neil Stenlake – Sex After Death

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Elyse – Don’t Get a Tattoo When You’re Drunk

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Sheldon via Gary Berger - Genesis

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, 'What is wrong with you?' Adam replied that he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, 'This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. Adam asked God, 'What will this woman cost?' God replied, 'An arm and a leg.' Adam thought a moment and asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Mark Colman – Some Non-Political Cartoons

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do archers shoot arrows?

They're trying to get their point across.

What was a spider doing on the baseball team?

Catching flies.

What can be served but not eaten?

A tennis ball

Why did the Sheriff arrest the chicken?

It used fowl language.

What kind of stories does a ship captain tell his children?

Ferry tales

What's the penalty for breaking the law of gravity?

A suspended sentence.

What do you call birds that spend all their time on their knees?

Birds of pray

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Candace – You Know a Joke Like This Had to Come …

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HOCKEY MOM AND A PITBULL?

A: EVEN THE DOG DOESN'T BELIEVE IN CREATIONISM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Fred Silver – The Parrot and the Magician

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same Tricks, over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each Week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, Look, Its not the same hat!' or, 'Look, he's hiding the flowers under The Table!' or
Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?'

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, The Captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship
unfortunately sank, Drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the Middle of the
sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This Went on for a day...

And then 2 days ... And then 3 days

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and Said..,

'OK, I give up. Where's the f#cking ship?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Jackster – Slide Show About Creation

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net/creation1.pps

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Neil Stenlake – How Beer Works

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://mithuro.com/presscuefiles/january/beer_goggle.swf

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Tom Sokolowski – Summer Warning

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many of you may have used the derogatory term "dickhead" to refer to someone who may deservedly have earned such a title. Others of you may have earned the title for yourselves. However, it should be noted that real "dickheads" do exist in the wild, and may be spending some time this summer at a community swimming pool in your area. Be alert and exercise necessary caution.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Neil Stenlake – Sex After Death

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple made a deal that whomever died first would Come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Ivy ....Ivy.' 'Is that you, Richard ?' 'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.' 'That's wonderful! what's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'

'Oh, Richard you surely must be in Heaven!'

'Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2008. All Rights Reserved.