25 September 2008Hi Everyone!
Some of these just killed me! As always, I’m a sucker for a blonde joke … a couple of great geriatric funnies, and the test failures just knocked me out! Have a terrific weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- Aunt Marilyn - Hillbillies
- DASDBill – Forwarding an Excellent Idea
- SymanSays – Perks for Being Over 50
- Neil Stenlake – Geriatric Golf
- Rogue Original via Mark Colman – Tequila
- Lonny – Curtains
- Myrna via EMDAlan – His Last 24 Hours
- Barbara Rosenberg – A Stunning Senior Moment
- Tom Sokolowski – Failing a Test With Dignity
- another from Sokolowski - Candidate in Texas
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(from Aunt Marilyn - Hillbillies
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Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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(from DASDBill – Forwarding an Excellent Idea
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This idea did not come from a politician but from a real human being.
I'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 (gazillion) bailout of AIG.
Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend.
To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.
Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..
So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billion that equals $425,000.00.
My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a We Deserve It Dividend.
Of course, it would NOT be tax free.
So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.
Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.
That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.
But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.
A husband and wife team has $595,000.00.
What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?
Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.
Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads
Put away money for college - it'll be there
Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
Buy a new car - create jobs
Invest in the market - capital drives growth
Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves
Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or else
Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And, of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.
If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ('vote buy') economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President.
If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!
As for AIG - liquidate it.
Sell off its parts.
Let American General go back to being American General.
Sell off the real estate.
Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.
Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.
Sure it's a crazy idea that can 'never work.'
But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!
How do you spell Economic Boom?
I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion
We Deserve It Dividend more than do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC.
And remember, The Birk plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.
Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.
Kindest personal regards,
Birk
R. W. Perry, A Creative Guy & Citizen of the Republic
PS: Feel free to pass this along to your pals as it's either good for a laugh or a tear or a very sobering thought on how to best use $85 Billion!!
--x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x—
An additional note from DASDBill –
The idea was excellent, but the original author flunks 4th grade math. $85 billion divided by 200 million equals $425 and not $425,000. I checked the math myself before sending the email out, but obviously I let the dollar signs$$ get in my eyes and I couldn't count zeroes any more.
Oh, well. The original author and I both do math well enough to be highly paid government economic consultants, I guess.
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(from SymanSays – Perks for Being Over 50
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Perks for Being Over 50:
- No one expects you to run anywhere.
- There is nothing to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- You supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
- You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You sing along with elevator music.
Forward this to everyone you can remember.
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(from Neil Stenlake – Geriatric Golf
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Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrived home looking downcast.
That's it,' he told his wife. 'I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I can't see where it went.'
His wife sympathized with him and made him a cup of tea. As they sat down she said, 'Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try.'
That's no good' sighed Arthur, 'your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help.'
'He may be a hundred and three', said the wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect.'
So the next day Arthur headed off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He teed up, took an almighty swing and squinted down the fairway. He turned to the brother-in-law. 'Did you see the ball?'
'Of course I did!' replied the brother-in-law. 'I have perfect eyesight'.
'Where did it go?' said Arthur.
'I don't remember.'
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(from Rogue Original via Mark Colman - Tequila
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Great video – be sure to listen to the disclaimer at the end
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(from Lonny - Curtains
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A Blond goes to Bed Bath & Beyond to buy curtains. She tells the clerk, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains. The clerk assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. She shows her several patterns but the blond seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The clerk then asks what size curtains she needs. The blond promptly replies, ‘Seventeen inches.' 'Seventeen inches?' asked the clerk. 'That sounds very small. What room are they for?' The blond says, 'They aren't for a room. They are for my new computer monitor. The surprised clerk replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!' The blond says, 'Hellllooooooooo .... I've got Windoooooows......
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(from Myrna via EMDAlan – His Last 24 Hours
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Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I ONLY have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had ONLY eight hours of life left.
He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, Then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
"Listen Barry, I'm not being funny, but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
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(from Barbara Rosenberg – A Stunning Senior Moment
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A stunning Senior Moment.WOW!
A self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one', the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones , computers with light-speed processing...and more.'
After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows:
'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?'
The applause was amazing.......
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Failing a Test With Dignity
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Killers! They cracked me up! DrB
If they're tough to see, just click on it to blow it up
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(another from Sokolowski - Candidate in Texas
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Not for nuthin’, but this IS funny. IT’S JUST A JOKE, PEOPLE…JUST A JOKE!
| Barack Obama, the Democratic Party candidate, is for ba nning all guns in America. He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous and arrogant. At a recent rural elementary school assembly in Texas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence. Then he said into the microphone,"Children", every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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