Hi Everyone!
Hi Everybody … hope your weekend is a blast for you! Am stuck in the house today, still recovering from multiple diseases, but the Funnies just really picked me up today! Thanks to everyone … hopefully, they’ll pick you up too!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• PJacobs via cousin Toby – Seniors Guide for Coverting to Digital TV
• Loninny – Kids are Quick
• Don - Government bail out???
• Steve Chessin via EMDAlan – How the Stock Market Works
• Tom via SymanSays – At the Truck Stop
• StevenI – Best Eyeglasses Commercial
• Chas Young – Jewish Sex
• Elyse – Finally, the Ingredients in Viagra!
• Fred Silver – Perks of Reaching 65 on the Way to 70
• Leilani Allen – Adam and Eve Story
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(from PJacobs via cousin Toby – Seniors Guide for Coverting to Digital TV
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(As my 85-year old Mom went back to Florida this week, this video really hit home for me! – Dr Bernie)
Make sure your sound is on...very funny and real!
http://www.hulu.com/watch/36608/talkshow-with-spike-feresten-cable-psa
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(from Loninny – Kids are Quick
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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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(from Don - Government bail out???
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Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed.
Now we are trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whorehouse and selling booze.
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(from Steve Chessin via EMDAlan – How the Stock Market Works
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Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the Forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort.
The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching. The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.
While the man was away the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each, and when the man returns from the city, you c an sell them to him for $50 each.'
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there were monkeys everywhere.
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
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(from Tom via SymanSays – At the Truck Stop
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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards."
A Smogarian waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto part's store?"
"No," the cook said, "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights, is the eggs sunny-side up, and running boards are two slices of bacon."
"Oh, OK!", said the Smogarian. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave them to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights, and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
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(from StevenI – Best Eyeglasses Commercial
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http://blip.tv/file/get/Drbernie-Eyeglasses593.wmv
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(from Chas Young – Jewish Sex
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No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!'
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(from Elyse – Finally, the Ingredients in Viagra!
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I knew it, I knew it !!!
I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra:
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
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(from Fred Silver – Perks of Reaching 65 on the Way to 70
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01. Kidnappers are not very Interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
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(from Leilani Allen – Adam and Eve Story
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Why Men Cant Pee Standing Up
God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over.
He couldn’t decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so the He thought He might just as well ask them.
He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
“It’s a very handy thng,” God told them, “and I was wondering if either of you had a preference for it.”
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, “Oh, please give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!” On and on he went like an excited little boy.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the things that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started shizzing all over the place – first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away = laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, “Well, I guess you’re kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.”
“What’s it called” asked Eve.
“Brains,” said God.
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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