24 October 2008
Hi Everyone!
They start out nice, clean, then move to political, stuff for kids, .. then snotty … demented … depraved … more political … embarrassed and of course, screwed.
Yup, just another week of fRIDAY fUNNIES … read ‘em down to the bottom … you won’t be sorry … and forward them to other dementos!
Have a great weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- Joel Goldstein – Who is Really Your Best Friend?
- Barbara Rosenberg – Next Season on Dancing With the Stars
- Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
- Chas Young – The Snotty Receptionist
- SymanSays - Yogiberraisms
- Irving4 – At the Food Court
- Paul Keister – Pumpkin?
- Elyse – McCain and Obama
- Paul Keister – You’re Screwed
- Neil Stenlake – Wrong Number Maybe?
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(from Joel Goldstein – Who is Really Your Best Friend?
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Who is REALLY your best friend? Your DOG...or your SPOUSE?
Okay, check this out... It really, REALLY works!
1. Lock both your spouse and your dog in the trunk of your car.
2. Wait 1 hour.
3. Open up and see who is really happy to see you!
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(from Barbara Rosenberg – Next Season on Dancing With the Stars
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(from Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
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RIDDLES
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich
Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest?
He was dead on his feet.
Why did the ghost go trick or treating on the top floor?
Because he was in high spirits
Did you hear about the obnoxious pumpkin?
He was a real jerk-o'-lantern!
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He did not have a haunting license.
What is Dracula”s favorite dessert?
I scream
What do you call your girl-friend if she becomes a deer whenever there is a full moon?
A Were-doe
PUNS
If you want to deliver mail to skeletons, try the bony express
The army barber met his daily quota by taking short cuts.
The spider bought a car so he could take it on a spin.
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(from Chas Young – The Snotty Receptionist
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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly looking woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice the receptionist said 'Yes, I have your name here. You want to see the doctor about an impotence problem, right?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the now very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly and in an equally loud voice replied 'No madam, I've come to enquire about a sex change operation. But I don't want the doctor who did yours!'
Do NOT mess with older folk!
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(from SymanSays - Yogiberraisms
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"The future ain't what it used to be."
"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
"I don't know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field, they had bags over their heads."
Interviewer: "Why you're a fatalist.
Yogi Berra: "You mean I save postage stamps?"
"Never answer an annonymous letter."
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(from Irving4 – At the Food Court
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(from DrB: this is an oldie, but it’s worthy of repeating!)
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. (He is 62).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once, and f*ucked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
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(from Paul Keister – Pumpkin?
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(from Elyse – McCain and Obama
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John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had McCain in his chair reached for the after shave.
McCain was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Cindy will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'
The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?'
Obama replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
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(from Paul Keister – You’re Screwed
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(from Neil Stenlake – Wrong Number Maybe?
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A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says.
God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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