10 Oct 2008

10 October 2008

Hi Everyone!

Lunatic weekend is here! Hope you get a couple of great chuckles!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From -
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• Mark Colman – Why We Love Children
• Paul Keister – If the Candidates Were Trains …
• Loninny – Rowing Team
• Stan Kegel – The Polar Bear (pun alert)
• Elyse – My Halloween Costume This Year …
• the ImberBabe – I Wanna Come Back as a Bear
• Denny Adams - Halloween
• Tom Sokolowski – Cursing at Work
• John Cleese via Dr Annie - John Cleese Writes a Poem For Sean Hannity
• Dave Thorn – I’m Voting Republican

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(from Mark Colman – Why We Love Children

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NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

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(from Paul Keister – If the Candidates Were Trains …

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If the candidates were trains .. . . this is what they would look like!

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bonus funny – Quick Wit --
wish we all could think this quick!

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a

woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are

all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer

complaints.

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(from Loninny – Rowing Team

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Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice for hours everyday, they never manage to come in any better than dead last.

Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy on Harvard, the perennial championship team. So Morris schlepps off to Cambridge and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River , where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practices.

After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. 'Well, I figured out their secret,' he announces.

'What? Tell us! Tell us!', his teammates shout.

'We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row.'

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(from Stan Kegel – The Polar Bear (pun alert)

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A guy, out hunting in Alaska, accidentally shoots a polar bear.

Realising his mistake, he reports the incident to the local ranger.

A week later, he gets a letter in the mail, telling him that he is being taken to court by the park service. Arriving at court, he explains to the judge what happened, and the judge comes to a decision.

?As you didn?t kill this protected species intentionally, I don?t intend to send you to prison?, the judge says. ?However, it is still a serious error on your part, and I intend to deal with you by way of a fine, based upon the body weight of the animal?.

?For every one pound of body weight, you will be fined $10?.

Consulting his records, the judge finds the weight of the bear, as recorded by the park services, and calls for a calculator. After a minute of two, he calls the hunter to the bench, and gives his judgement; a fine of $9,000.

The representative of the park services jumps to his feet, and approaches the judge. ?Your Honour?, he says, ?With the greatest respect, I believe you?ve made a mistake in your calculations?.

?We weighed the animal shortly after it was shot, and it weighed a total of 1000 pounds?. ?Surely, based on that measurement, the fine should be $10,000?.

The judge looks at the ranger, and says, ?I made a calculation, taking into consideration, the animals? weight, minus its two front paws?.

Looking rather confused, the ranger asks, ?but why did you not include the front paws in your calculation??

?Because?, the judge replies, ?Every American has the right to bear arms!?

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(from Elyse – My Halloween Costume This Year …

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Here's a cool Halloween costume

HOOTERS GIRL, RETIRED

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(from the ImberBabe – I Wanna Come Back as a Bear

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(from Denny Adams - Halloween

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HALLOWEEN IS GOING TO SUCK THIS YEAR !!

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(from Tom Sokolowski – Cursing at Work

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Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 new and innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Num ber 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f__?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F __ it , I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You

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(from John Cleese via Dr Annie - John Cleese Writes a Poem For Sean Hannity

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By Bademus - October 8, 2008, 11:03PM

It's a “beautiful” poem from the comedy icon of Monty Python fame that perfectly captures the essence of Fox’s Sean Hannity.

Ode to Sean Hannity

by John Cleese

Aping urbanity

Oozing with vanity

Plump as a manatee

Faking humanity

Journalistic calamity

Intellectual inanity

Fox Noise insanity

You’re a profanity

Hannity

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(from Dave Thorn – I’m Voting Republican

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A satirical look at the likely outcome of another four years of Republican government.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiQJ9Xp0xxU

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

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Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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