Hi Everyone!
The holidays are nearly upon us … take a break from stressing out about money, shopping, and all that, and crack up with these!
Have a superdooper weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- Barbara Rosenberg – What $10 Will Do
- Chaz Young – A Couple of Blonde Jokes
- SymanSays – Military Man
- Stan Kegel – A Microsoft Christmas
- Chas – Seasonal Greeting Cards
- Neil Stenlake – Church Bulletins
- Jerry Valentine – On Every Man’s Christmas List
- Neil Stenlake – Replacement Windows
- Joel Goldstein – The Jewish Mistress
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(from Barbara Rosenberg – What $10 Will Do
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A lady was was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. She took out of her wallet, and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?"
"No, I don't waste time shopping. I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?"
"Are you nuts?! I haven't had my hair done in twenty years!"
"Well, I am not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
"That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after twenty years without shopping, hair appointments and wine."
Sue
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(from Chaz Young – A Couple of Blonde Jokes
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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day?
Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister.
Her mother died, too!'
~ ~ ~
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,'
she replied.
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blonde replied..... ...'Two icecreams and some coffee.'
~ ~ ~
You might have to think twice about this one.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
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(from SymanSays – Military Man
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A career military man, who had retired as a Master Sergeant, was telling the new recruits how he handled officers during his years of service. "It didn't matter a hoot if he was a full bird colonel, Major General, and Admiral or what! I always told the guys where to get off!"
"Wow, you must heve been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"
"Elevator operator in the Pentagon," he said.
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(from Stan Kegel – A Microsoft Christmas
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MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan, And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom, To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com....
....Which has now been re-routed to Washington State Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates. All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare, St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way.
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, From now on Christmas requires Windows 95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! all of you are through,
It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist - Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"
And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright, "Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
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(from Chas – Seasonal Greeting Cards
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(from Neil Stenlake – Church Bulletins
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These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS and typos) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight:
'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
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(from Jerry Valentine – On Every Man’s Christmas List
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It is on Every Man's Christmas List this Year
Gentlemen, I'll be taking orders at a very special price of $19.99.... say what? You know it's worth much more than that; while stocks last so please hurry, the best invention since
the steam engine.
BUT WAIT, If you order right now using your credit card We'll double your order for only $4.00 more. What a Great Deal.............
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(from Tom Sokolowski – I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas
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(from Neil Stenlake – Replacement Windows
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Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line , so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
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(from Joel Goldstein – The Jewish Mistress
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A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that, "replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Moishe? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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