19 December 2008
Hi Everyone!
Chanukkah and Christmas this week … New Years next … whoohoo! Hope these get you in the holiday spirit … well, at least get you laughing!
Happy Holidays!!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- Hank L via Barry – And Then the Fight Started
- Frank Ingrassia – One of My Favorites
- Irving – Holiday Greeting Cards
- Alan Schulman – Robin Williams on Obama’s Election
- Sister-in-Law Lori Winick – Bush Game
- Tom Sokolowski – Why Women Should NOT Take Men Shopping Against Their Will
- JudyTuNuKnees – Winter Sucks
- another from Judy – Jewish Debate
- SymanSays from Jeff Foxworthy – Smile It Does the Body Good
- Gail via ShellyD – Brooklyn Girl
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(from Hank L via Barry – And Then the Fight Started
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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, what's on TV?
I said, Dust.
And then the fight started.
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, I want something shiny that goes from
0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...
And then the fight started....
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have got
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
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(from Frank Ingrassia – One of My Favorites
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This could only happen to a little Italian kid ...
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Maria Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her..'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My 2 lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
4 months vacation and five good leads!
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(from Irving – Holiday Greeting Cards
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Click on any picture to enlarge it!
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(from Alan Schulman – Robin Williams on Obama’s Election
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or just click on the link below
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puMz1Q3E000&eurl=http://politicalirony.com/2008/11/30/robin-williams-on-obamas-election/&feature=player_embedded
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(from sister-in-Law Lori Winick – Bush Game
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This is the funniest thing – EVER !!
http://www.kroma.no/2008/bushgame/
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Why Women Should NOT Take Men Shopping Against Their Will
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This is why women should NOT take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her shopping trips to stores like Wal-Mart and Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away. '
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least…
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
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(from JudyTuNuKnees – Winter Sucks (click image to watch)
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(another from Judy – Jewish Debate
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Gotta get in the spirit of Chanukkah too! :) DrB
A well respected San Francisco psychoanalyst and a member of the Board of Trustees has brought the following question to the Jewish community, and hopes that its best Talmudic scholars might think more about it:
Is it okay to take Viagra on Shabbat?
One Rabbi says that Jewish law forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violate the infraction of erecting a structure on the Sabbath.
But another Rabbi says that as a medication that adds pleasure to the Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible. But it is banned during Pesach (Passover) - along with all other agents causing things to rise.
And what baracha (blessing) does one say before taking the Viagra pill?
There is a choice of three (?) blessings:
1. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim - Bless you God for straightening those who are bent...
2. Ya'aleh v'yavo - Arise and come!
3. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim - Bless you God for raising the dead...
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(from SymanSays – Smile It Does the Body Good
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More Reneck Dictionary: -By Jeff Foxworthy-
Bobsled: "I ain't no expert, but I think bobsled us down the wrong path."
Cabinet: "When we were in New York, we got in a cabinet stunk."
Digest: "I don't know why Daddy digest three days after Mama."
Enclose: "She looks good enclose, but she looks better out of them.
Feud: "I wouldn't never shot at you, feud never shot at me."
Guitar: If we're gonna fix this roof, we're gonna have to guitar."
Holy: The holy was dug deep."
Kuwait: "I'm really hungry, but I guess I Kuwait."
Syman Says, 1999-2008, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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(from Gail via ShellyD – Brooklyn Girl
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(Note, born and raised in Brooklyn, I totally get this … but having lots of friends all over the place, I think there are Brooklyn girls in lots of girls not in Brooklyn! J DrB)
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
---The first man had married a woman from Illinois, and he told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
---The second man had married a woman from Michigan . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
---The third man had married a beautiful girl from Brooklyn, New York . He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, laundry done, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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