Thursday, September 25, 2008

Friday 26 Sep 2008

25 September 2008

Hi Everyone!

Some of these just killed me! As always, I’m a sucker for a blonde joke … a couple of great geriatric funnies, and the test failures just knocked me out! Have a terrific weekend!


:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  • Aunt Marilyn - Hillbillies
  • DASDBill – Forwarding an Excellent Idea
  • SymanSays – Perks for Being Over 50
  • Neil Stenlake – Geriatric Golf
  • Rogue Original via Mark Colman – Tequila
  • Lonny – Curtains
  • Myrna via EMDAlan – His Last 24 Hours
  • Barbara Rosenberg – A Stunning Senior Moment
  • Tom Sokolowski – Failing a Test With Dignity
  • another from Sokolowski - Candidate in Texas

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Aunt Marilyn - Hillbillies

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from DASDBill – Forwarding an Excellent Idea

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This idea did not come from a politician but from a real human being.


I'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 (gazillion) bailout of AIG.

Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend.

To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.

Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..

So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billion that equals $425,000.00.

My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a We Deserve It Dividend.

Of course, it would NOT be tax free.

So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.

Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.

That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.

But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.

A husband and wife team has $595,000.00.

What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?

Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.

Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads

Put away money for college - it'll be there

Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.

Buy a new car - create jobs

Invest in the market - capital drives growth

Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves

Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or else

Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And, of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.

If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ('vote buy') economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President.

If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!

As for AIG - liquidate it.

Sell off its parts.

Let American General go back to being American General.

Sell off the real estate.

Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.

Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.

Sure it's a crazy idea that can 'never work.'

But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!

How do you spell Economic Boom?

I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion

We Deserve It Dividend more than do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC.

And remember, The Birk plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.

Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.

Kindest personal regards,

Birk

R. W. Perry, A Creative Guy & Citizen of the Republic

PS: Feel free to pass this along to your pals as it's either good for a laugh or a tear or a very sobering thought on how to best use $85 Billion!!

--x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x—

An additional note from DASDBill –

The idea was excellent, but the original author flunks 4th grade math. $85 billion divided by 200 million equals $425 and not $425,000. I checked the math myself before sending the email out, but obviously I let the dollar signs$$ get in my eyes and I couldn't count zeroes any more.

Oh, well. The original author and I both do math well enough to be highly paid government economic consultants, I guess.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from SymanSays – Perks for Being Over 50

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Perks for Being Over 50:

- No one expects you to run anywhere.

- There is nothing to learn the hard way.

- Things you buy now won't wear out.

- You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.

- Your eyes won't get much worse.

- You supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

- You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

- You sing along with elevator music.

Forward this to everyone you can remember.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Neil Stenlake – Geriatric Golf

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrived home looking downcast.

That's it,' he told his wife. 'I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I can't see where it went.'

His wife sympathized with him and made him a cup of tea. As they sat down she said, 'Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try.'

That's no good' sighed Arthur, 'your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help.'

'He may be a hundred and three', said the wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect.'

So the next day Arthur headed off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He teed up, took an almighty swing and squinted down the fairway. He turned to the brother-in-law. 'Did you see the ball?'

'Of course I did!' replied the brother-in-law. 'I have perfect eyesight'.

'Where did it go?' said Arthur.

'I don't remember.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Rogue Original via Mark Colman - Tequila

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Great video – be sure to listen to the disclaimer at the end




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Lonny - Curtains

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Blond goes to Bed Bath & Beyond to buy curtains. She tells the clerk, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains. The clerk assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. She shows her several patterns but the blond seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The clerk then asks what size curtains she needs. The blond promptly replies, ‘Seventeen inches.' 'Seventeen inches?' asked the clerk. 'That sounds very small. What room are they for?' The blond says, 'They aren't for a room. They are for my new computer monitor. The surprised clerk replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!' The blond says, 'Hellllooooooooo .... I've got Windoooooows......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Myrna via EMDAlan – His Last 24 Hours

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I ONLY have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had ONLY eight hours of life left.

He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."

She agreed, Then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

"Listen Barry, I'm not being funny, but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Barbara Rosenberg – A Stunning Senior Moment

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A stunning Senior Moment.WOW!

A self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one', the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones , computers with light-speed processing...and more.'

After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows:

'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?'

The applause was amazing.......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Tom Sokolowski – Failing a Test With Dignity

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Killers! They cracked me up! DrB


If they're tough to see, just click on it to blow it up


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(another from Sokolowski - Candidate in Texas

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not for nuthin’, but this IS funny. IT’S JUST A JOKE, PEOPLE…JUST A JOKE!

Barack Obama, the Democratic Party candidate, is for ba nning all guns in America. He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous and arrogant.

At a recent rural elementary school assembly in Texas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone,"Children", every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Bubba Ray, with a proud Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2008. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, September 19, 2008

19 Sep 2008


19 September 2008

Hi Everyone!
As several of you have pointed out, it’s something like Pirate’s Day or Week or something. So AAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH to you all … and pass an AAAARRRRRGGHH on to someone who needs one!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  • Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
  • Steve Masters via Chuck – Indian in the Café
  • Maureen Zack – Kwame is Kidnapped
  • Elyse – Italian Women are Tough!
  • Barbara Rosenberg – Man of the House
  • Neil Stenlake – Nursing
  • Tom Sokolowwki – Evolution of Wedding Dance
  • Paul Keister – Especially for You
  • Sokolowski - Twins
  • the Imberbabe – The Bees Bar Mitzvah

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did the laundry man do at the convent?
He picked up dirty habits!

What do you call a review of royal finances?
A reign check

When is a clock nervous?
When it is all wound up.

Why did the kid throw butter out of the window?
He wanted to see a butterfly.

Where do frogs sit?
On toadstools.

Why did the man have to fix the horn of his car?
Because it didn't give a hoot.

If a dime and a nickle were on the Empire State Building, which would jump off first?
The nickle, because it has less sense (cents).

What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin?
One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny. (Jim Ertner)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Steve Masters via Chuck – Indian in the Cafe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, 'Want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, 'Want coffee.'

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Maureen Zack – Kwame is Kidnapped
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is the typical of the jokes bouncing about in Detroit these days!

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Detroit. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold up? Terrorists have kidnapped Kwame Kilpatrick. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse him with gasoline and set him on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

About a gallon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Elyse – Italian Women are Tough!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.



Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife. 'get out of here' she said. 'Those are for the funeral.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Barbara Rosenberg – Man of the House
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairswith me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, 'The funeral director would be my first guess.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake - Nursing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Tom Sokolowwki – Evolution of Wedding Dance
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This couple watches way too much VH1/MTV. Clip takes about 5 minutes to watch. Needs sound, and is VERY entertaining!!


http://www.snotr.com/video/1299

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Paul Keister – Especially for You
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Sokolowski - Twins
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from the Imberbabe – The Bees Bar Mitzvah
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, 'How are things going?'

'Really bad,' said the second bee. 'The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey.'

'No problem,' said the first bee, 'Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit.'

'Thanks for the tip,' said the second bee, and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, 'How'd it go?'

'Great!' said the second bee. 'It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table.'

'Uh, what's that thing on your head?' asked the first bee.

'That's my yarmulke,' said the second bee. 'I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2008. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, September 12, 2008

12 Sep 2008

12 September 2008

Hi Everyone!

One of those weeks … lots of nutness! Love the Write In Candidate below – check it out! Have a great weekend.

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chas Young – Naval Chief Petty Officer
Elyse – You Named It What
Paul Keister – Water Inspection
Don - Perfect
Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
Aunt Marilyn – Why Am I Married?
StevenDDS – Is This Your Life?
Neil Stenlake – Two Hunters
EMDAlan – A Write-In Candidate
cousin Eliane – Rose and Barb

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chas Young – Naval Chief Petty Officer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old but still ruggedly handsome Navy Chief Petty Officer found
himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There
was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one
of whom approached the Chief for conversation.


"Excuse me, Chief, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something
bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you've been with a woman?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously, I mean, 1955!"

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him
to a private room where she proceeded to spend some time with him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I
hope not, it's only 2130 now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Elyse – You Named It What
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Paul Keister – Water Inspection
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Department of Water Resources Representative stops at a ranch and talks
with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation'.
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there'.
The Water Representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.
See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.
No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the Water Rep running for his life
and close behind is the rancher's huge Brahma bull. The bull is gaining with every step.
The Rep is clearly terrified , so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to
the fence and yells at the top of hi s lungs.....
'YOUR CARD, SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Don - Perfect
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you - I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little ole Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again;

"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars...Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", says the little old Jewish man..."Costs too much..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How is a drama teacher like the Pony Express?
He's a stage coach

Why did the baker stop baking bread?
Because he wasn't making enough dough.

Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
No, they had an apple.

What did one tail pipe say to the other tail pipe?
I'm exhausted.

What do you call the person who draws portraits of crime suspects?
A con artist

What is the difference between a frog and a cat?
A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times. (James Ertner)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Aunt Marilyn – Why Am I Married?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

__________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
__________
(I vote this one the best)
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
__________

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________
Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
__________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy..'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from StevenDDS – Is This Your Life?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he
turned over to his wife's side of the bed.

His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and
she was downstairs pr eparing breakfast in the
kitchen.Afraid that he might spoil things by getting
up, John called his little boy into the room and asked
him to take this note to your beautiful Mommy.'

The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked
her son to take this to Daddy.

Her note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.
Then, he asked his son to take it back to 'the lady in
the kitchen.'

His note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her
son to take this to the poor dude upstairs.'

Her note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
Do It By Hand

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Neil Stenlake – Two Hunters
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day there were two hunters out in the woods hunting. Their names were Bob and Jim. Jim accidentally shoots Bob. Panicking, Jim uses his mobile phone to call 911.

Jim says "Hi, me and my friend where out hunting together and I saw what looked like a deer, so I shot it, but it was actually Bob, and I think he might be dead. What should I do?"

The woman on the other end answers,"Ok, first you have to make sure he is dead."

He says "Ok." Then the woman hears Jim drop the phone, then some noise, and then she hears a loud boom. Then Jim picks up the phone and says "Ok, now what."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from EMDAlan – A Write-In Candidate
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.
HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1) "Press 1 for English" is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.

(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. N O imports, no exports.
We will use the 'Wal-Mart's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'

(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.

(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. The president nor any other politician will not be able to touch it.

(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.

(7) Professional Athletes --Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.

(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences. If convicted, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9) One export will be allowed; Wheat, The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off t he national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.

(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes but a vote for me will get you better than what you have, and better than what you're gonna get. Thanks for listening, and remember to write in my name on the ballot in November.
God Bless America !!!!!!!!!!!
Bill Cosby!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from cousin Eliane – Rose and Barb
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two 95-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there.' Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on. A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.' 'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?' 'Barb -- it's me, Rose.' 'You're not Rose. Rose just died.' 'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice. 'Rose! Where are you?' In Heaven,' replied Rose. I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb. The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.' 'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams So what's the bad news?' 'You're pitching Tuesday.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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