fRIDAY 13 fEBRUARY 2009

12 February 2009

Hi Everyone!

Thanks to so many of you this week … I’ve been inundated with great fUNNIES all week! Hope you have a terrific weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From -
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· Barry – Why Men Should Not Take Telephone Messages

· Chas Young – The Loving Husband

· Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids

· Maggie S via Barry – the Importance of Walking

· Fred Silver – Ben & Jerry

· Jerry Valentine – Deadly at Scrabble?

· Tom Sokolowski – Down at the Retirement Center

· Paul Keister – Remember This When You Fly

· Gary Savitch – Seeking Sugar with Spice

· Barbara Rosenberg – Bacon Tree

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fROM Barry – Why Men Should Not Take Telephone Messages
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fROM Chas Young – The Loving Husband
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A man has two of the best seats at the footy Grand Final final.

As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Grand Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head and says . . . . .

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"No. They're all at the funeral."

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fROM Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
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What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?

"Be my valenstein!"

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?

Hogs and kisses!

What did one pickle say to the other?

"You mean a great dill to me."

Where did the track and field athlete keep his equipment?

In a pole vault.

Why should boys eat a lot of shellfish?

For mussel tone. (James D. Ertner)

What do you get when you cross a parakeet and a lawn-mower?

Shredded tweet.

Who wrote, "Oh, say can you see?"

An eye doctor.

How do mummies behave?

In a grave manner.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM Maggie S via Barry – the Importance of Walking ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there? Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he?' If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years ... just getting over the hill. We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. AND Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine. You could run this over to your friends, But it's much easier to just e-mail it to them! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM Fred Silver – Ben & Jerry ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ These are delicious... Ben & Jerry created "Yes Pecan!" ice cream flavor for Obama. They then asked people to come up with flavors for George W. Bush. Here are some of the responses: - Grape Depression - Abu Grape - Cluster Fudge - Nut'n Accomplished - Iraqi Road - Chock 'n Awe - WireTapioca - Impeach Cobbler - Guantanmallow - imPeachmint - Good Riddance You Lousy Mother&*^%$... Swirl - Heck of a Job, Brownie! - Neocon Politan - RockyRoad to Fascism - The Reese's-cession - Cookie D'oh! - The Housing Crunch - Nougalar Proliferation - Death by Chocolate... and Torture - Credit Crunch - Country Pumpkin - Chunky Monkey in Chief - George Bush Doesn't Care About Dark Chocolate - WMD-elicious - Chocolate Chimp - Bloody Sundae - Caramel Preemptive Stripe - I broke the law and am responsible for the deaths of thousands...with nuts ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM Jerry Valentine – Deadly at Scrabble? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Someone out there is deadly at Scrabble. DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: ! When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM Tom Sokolowski – Down at the Retirement Center ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM Paul Keister – Remember This When You Fly ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM Gary Savitch – Seeking Sugar with Spice ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop. One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. 'Want some of this?' she purred. Are you kidding?' he replied. 'Look what it did to your underwear.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Bacon Tree ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Way back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen in days, when the pioneers saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree. "Is there some place ahead where we can get food?" "Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I vouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree." "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere." The leader goes back and tells his people what the old Jew said. "So why did he say not to go there?" a person asked. Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know the Jews - they have a thing about pork." So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader, who manages to escape and get back to the old Jew. Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me." The old man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oy, I made such a big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree... "It vuz a ham bush." +++++++++++++++++++++++++ Hope everybody has a great weekend! tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it! Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email! Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dr. Bernie Domanski Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.