Hi Everyone!
Be warned – the “explicit” level is up this week – But they’re GOOD! Have a terrific weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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• Paul Keister – It’s Simply Hilarious …
• Chas Young – An Im-peck-able story
• Jerry Valentine – Waiting for Friday
• Maureen Zack – Denny’s New Breakfast
• Dave Thorn When Name Calling Isn’t Swearing
• Chas Young – The Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes?
• Tom Sokolowski – New Virus Alert
• Hank Levine via Barry – Ostrich Story
• Elyse – The i-tit
• Stan Kegel – Senior Story
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fROM Paul Keister – It’s Simply Hilarious …
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THE VIBRATOR
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away a nd leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
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fROM Chas Young – An Im-peck-able story
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A Mexican Woodpecker and a Canadian Woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican Woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no Woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian Woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican Woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican Woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely "im-peckable" (a term Woodpeckers like to use). The Mexican Woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican Woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called "im-peckable" tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both Woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian Woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican Woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own countries?
After much Woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home...
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fROM Jerry Valentine – Waiting for Friday
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Waiting for Friday ...
Here it comes .............
Here it comes ............
Wait for it ............
Almost ............
Easy does it ............
Get Ready ............
HOORAY ... IT'S FRIDAY!
Have a great weekend!
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fROM Maureen Zack – Denny’s New Breakfast
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In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal called "The Suleman".
You get eight eggs, no sausage, and all the others in the restaurant have to pay the bill.
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fROM Dave Thorn When Name Calling Isn’t Swearing
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When Name Calling Isn't Swearing
If condoms had sponsors, you might find them packaged like these:
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fROM Chas Young – The Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes?
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THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES? Not my view but someone else's.
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – New Virus Alert
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I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus ..... Even
the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. ... done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! ... that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person ... yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you...
who me?
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment ... well fooey!
6. Causes you to hit 'SEND' before you've finished ... OH NO,
not again!
7. Causes you to hit 'DELETE' instead of 'SEND' ... and I just
hate that!
8. Causes you to hit 'SEND' when you should 'DELETE' ...
Oh NO!!!
9. Causes You to curse your sibling/offspring/parent when one of these appears in their email.
oh yeah!
IT IS CALLED THE 'C-NILE VIRUS'
THIS ONE YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHECK ON SNOPES!!!!
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fROM Hank Levine via Barry – Ostrich Story
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the t wo enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
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fROM Elyse – The i-tit
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Apple has announced today the development of a chip that can be implanted into a woman's breast and play music. The i-tit will cost £399 and is regarded as a major breakthrough, as women always moaning that men just stare at their tits and never listen to them.
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fROM Stan Kegel – Senior Story
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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