friday 20 feb 2009

20 February 2009

Hi Everyone!

Lots of good ones …. I just love the first one … anybody know where they sell that brand of toilet paper? Have a fun weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

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Contributions This Week From -
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• Paul Keister – A Wish for all the Difficult People in Your Life
• Neil Stenlake – ALERT: Beer Scam
• Hank Levine via Barry - This Could Be True!
• StevenDDS – Geography
• Jerry Valentine – Grouchy
• Chuck Hopf – Dave Letterman at the Taco Bell
• Tom Sokolowski – Jewish Rabbi
• Barbara Rosenberg – I Love It!
• Tom Sokolowski – Growing Old
• JudyTuNuNees – The Jewish Widow

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fROM Paul Keister – A Wish for all the Difficult People in Your Life
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fROM Neil Stenlake – ALERT: Beer Scam
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Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer' . The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs..

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'.

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

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fROM Hank Levine via Barry - This Could Be True!
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The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration."

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be ... and please, my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home.. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

"Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York "

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York , kosher all the way. Please, Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.

"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Says Mom proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

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fROM StevenDDS - Geography
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Ah, the wisdom of the universe in a few lines to ponder with
ease ....


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered,
half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and
open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.


Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but
still a warm and desirable place to visit.


Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a
glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war
and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.


Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , sel f-preserving but
open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes like Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a
mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an
adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts....

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fROM Jery Valentine - Grouchy
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A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question, 'How did I get here?'

Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'

'Did God send you, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.

'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.

'He sent them also,' the mother said.

'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.

'So you're telling me that there has been NO SEX in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here!'

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fROM Chuck Hopf – Dave Letterman at the Taco Bell
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Can you spell obnoxious? Totally awesome!!

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fROM tom Sokolowski – Jewish Rabbi
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A Jewish congregation in suburban Boston honors its rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed. She greets the rabbi with, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the President of the Temple arranged for you."

The rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple and shouts, "Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."

Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.

The rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – I Love It!
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(Barbara) I liked reading this.

(Bernie) Me Too:


the red sox home opener,this year, will be postponed for passover


red sox general manager - theo epstein announced that the boston red sox home opener will be postponed to april 14th... To avoid the 8 days of the passover holiday.


He noted, because 3 of his starters were jewish as were his box seat holders, he was forced to make this change in scheduling.
There have been several complaints from fans, whom are enraged at epstein's decision...


In fact, protests are being tendered to the commissioner of baseball's office. However, bud selig - commissioner of baseball will not be able to address these protests; mainly due to a scheduling problem. This has been
caused by the family seders he and mrs selig will be attending.

Yes, this is an amazing country. (i love it!)

Also, unable to attend the opener:


al gore and tipper, his wife, will be unavailable as they will attend seder at their son in law's home.


Bill and hilary clinton will be attending the seder at the home of their daughter chelsea's 'steady.'


in addition, ex mayor of nyc, rudy guiliani... Whose wife will be busy preparing their seder.


Yes, this is an amazing country. (i love it!)

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fROM Tom Sokolowski – Growing Old
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

~~~~~~

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

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fROM  JudyTuNuNees – The Jewish Widow

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In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His

widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the

people of the town decided that she ought to get

married again.

�

But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor

was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat

dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the

butcher had no great formal education. However, she was

lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.

�

After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah. Then, she

went home to prepare to light the candles.

�

The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother, Chana,

told me that after the mikvah and

before lighting the

candles, it's good to have sex." So they did.

�

She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My

father, Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles

it's good to have sex." So they did.

�

They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they

awoke, he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said

that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have

sex." So they did.

�

After praying all morning, they came home to rest. Again

he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says

after praying it's good to have sex." So they did.

�

On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend

Who asked, "So how is the new husband?"

�

She replied, "Well, a scholar he isn't, but he comes from

a wonderful family...

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Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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