2 May 2008
Hi Everyone!
Hope everything’s goin’ great! Thanks to everyone for sending so many great fUNNIES! Have a soooooperdoooooper weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- Sue Finkelsteing via the Imberbabe – New Gas Prices
- Chas Young – Holy Soap
- Denny Adams – A Sign is a form of Expression
- SYSMANSAYS – Joke of the Day
- Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
- Neil Stenlake – The Luck of the Irish
- Cousin Eliane – Rep vs Dem & The IRS Auditor
- Tom Sokolowski – The Average American
- Gerry Rusthoven - Grandchildren
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(from Sue Finkelsteing via the Imberbabe – New Gas Prices
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(from Chas Young – Holy Soap
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Holy Soap
Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
'Oh look ' says the first nun, 'it's a soap dispenser'.
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
'Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO.'
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(from Denny Adams – A Sign is a form of Expression
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(from SYSMANSAYS – Joke of the Day
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JOKE OF THE DAY: -From Bernice-
To all my friends who in 2007 sent me "best wishes", chain letters, "angel" letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something:
NONE OF THEM
WORKED!
For 2008, could you please just send money, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers. Thank You!
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(from Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
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Why was the baby strawberry upset?
His mom and dad were in a jam
What did the farmer use to fix the rip in his pants?
A cabbage patch
Why didn't the pelican pay for his dinner?
Because his bill was too big!
What did the window say to the venetian blind?
If it weren't for you, it would be curtains,
Why did the nut stay away from the middle of the room?
Because it was a walnut.
What kind of clothes do lawyers wear?
Lawsuits & Briefs
What do snakes do after they fight?
They hiss and make up.
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(from Neil Stenlake – The Luck of the Irish
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An 80-year old Irish man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I'm Irish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape.' I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.' 'I have a glass of whisky, and all is well.'
'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?
'Who said my Dad's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the old Irish golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk. That's why he's still alive ... he's Irish and he's also a golfer.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my grandpa's dead?' 'He's still a kick'n.'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible! How old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the old Irish golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married ?!!
Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
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(from Cousin Eliane – Rep vs Dem
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a fisherman in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct , but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
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(from Tom Sokolowski – The Average American
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A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be An American
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(another from cousin Eliane – The IRS Auditor
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The end of the tax year, the IRS sent an auditor to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
drippings?"
Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them
to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free
box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these
biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs"?
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the auditor was
trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to
IRS, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
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(from Gerry Rusthoven - Grandchildren
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She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup,
Under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said,
'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'
#####
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.'
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'
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After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.
As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'
#####
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like:
'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.
We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.'
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in.
At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'
#####
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?'
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?'
'You're both old,' he replied.
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A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor..
She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he asked.
'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.'
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I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.
I would point out something and ask what color it was.
She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.
At last she headed for the door, saying sagely,
'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'
#####
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered,
'It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'
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When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.'
'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'mine says I'm four to six.'
#####
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.'
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies?'
'It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'
#####
Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said the teacher.
The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant..'
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked.
'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'
#####
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another, 'he's just for good luck.'
A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants...
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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