9 May 2008
Hi Everyone!
Trying to catch up on the backload of great jokes … keep ‘em comin! Have a fab weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Steve Imberman – Can You Do This?
- cousin Eliane – Grandchildren
- Chaz Young – Second Opinion
- Chuck Hopf – A Biker and His Babe
- EMDAlan – How Long Can You Hold Your Breath
- cousin Toby – Journalistic License
- Another from cousin Toby – Mystery of the Dot
- SYMANSAYS – Wha?
- Mark Colman - Leaving Work Early
- Aunt Marilyn – Siblings
·
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Steve Imberman – Can You Do This?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now This Takes Skill!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from cousin Eliane – Grandchildren
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.'
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'
#####
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.
As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'
#####
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like:
'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.
We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.'
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in.
At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'
#####
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?'
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?'
'You're both old,' he replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chaz Young – Second Opinion
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
ALWAYS get a second opinion...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Chuck Hopf – A Biker and His Babe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Any Day Now …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from EMDAlan – How Long Can You Hold Your Breath
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from cousin Toby – Journalistic License
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A biker was riding by the zoo, when he saw a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabbed her by the cuff of her jacket and tried to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumped off his bike, ran to the cage and hit the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumped back and let go of the girl. The biker then took her to her terrified parents, who thanked him endlessly.
A reporter saw the whole scene, and addressing the biker, said, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'
'Why, it was nothing,' said the biker, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'
'I noticed a patch on your jacket,' said the journalist.
'Yeah, I ride with an Israeli motorcycle club,' the biker replied.
'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist with the Times, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the front page.'
The following morning the biker bought the paper to see if it indeed brought out the news of his actions. On the front page was the headline:
'ISRAELI GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Another from cousin Toby – Mystery of the Dot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP FOR ME....
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a taxi cab, a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States
If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones and giving technical advice for Dell Computers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from SYMANSAYS – Wha?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
I don't suffer forom insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
Beauty is the eye of the beer holder.
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Mark Colman - Leaving Work Early
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female Boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls
decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know
they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when
she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her
husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of
her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
them.
'No way,' the blonde exclaimed. 'I almost got caught yesterday.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Aunt Marilyn – Siblings
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of
meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were
eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their
dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother, 'Don't eat it, it's an ass hole.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!
Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!
Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2008. All Rights Reserved.
No comments:
Post a Comment