Friday 16 May 2008
The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com (full media) and at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only).
The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net
Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
16 May 2008
Hi Everyone!
It’s raining A LOT here … my knees hurt, my brain is fried, my body is simply pooped … but when I read these, it gave me the very needed laughs and giggles I needed! Have a great weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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· Chas Young - Marriage
· Tom Sokolowski – Tired Dog
· Maureen Zack – Can You Say …
· SymanSays - Violins
· Neil Stenlake – Mischievous Grandmas
· TomD – Funny Flight
· JackieTen – Baby Boomer Blues
· Denny Adams – I Owe My Mother
· Paul Keister – The Power of Beer
· Chuck Hopf – 1st Dates – Long, but worth the read!!
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(from Chas Young - Marriage
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Tired Dog
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An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. May I come with him tomorrow?"
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(from Maureen Zack – Can You Say …
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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
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(from SymanSays - Violins
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Violins: -By Gilbert Krabs Via: Stan Kegel-
Isaac Stern practiced on his piano day and night. He practiced tonic scales, three tone scales, Oriental music; anything he could. He was constantly playing and practicing. His neighbors could no longer stand the noise and selected a man to spaek to him.
He knocked on Isaac's door, and when Isaac answered it, it was the first peace the neighbors had in weeks.
"Isaac," the man said, "Why are you driving us crazy with your constant palying?"
"I made a promise to myself," Isaac said, "to leave no tone unSterned."
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(from Neil Stenlake – Mischievous Grandmas
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Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.' The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.' One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?' Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily yelled in unison 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
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(from TomD – Funny Flight
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A jumbo jet is making its final approach to San Antonio Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'.
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?'
'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... I 'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.. He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first.
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(from JackieTen – Baby Boomer Blues
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BABY BOOMER BLUES
Some of the artists of the 60s are revising their hits with
new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
1 . Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
2. The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
3. Bobby Darin Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
4. Ringo Starr I Get By With a Little Help from Depends
5. Roberta Flack The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
6. Johnny Nash I Can't See Clearly Now
7. Paul Simon- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
8. Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
9. Marvin Gaye - Heard it Through the Grape Nuts
10. Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair
11. Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
12. The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
13. Abba - Denture Queen
14. Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall
15. Helen Reddy - I am Woman, Hear me Snore
16. Willie Nelson - On the Throne Again
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(from Denny Adams – I Owe My Mother
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How many of us have heard or used these!
I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear,!
in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think
I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think
you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day! you'll have kids, and I hope
they turn out just like you
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(from Paul Keister – The Power of Beer
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Power of Beer
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs
the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a
head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and
compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him
to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the
biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously
and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip
of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into
whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son t o drink again. The patrons
chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!!
Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender
ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his
head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down,
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar
is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on
his new legs and stumbles to the left, then to the right, then staggers right
through the front door into the street where a truck runs over him and kills
him instantly. The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
(Ya ready?)
*
*
*
*
(Don't hate me)
*
*
*
*
(Take a deep breath)
*
*
*
*
"He should've quit while he was a head!"
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(from Chuck Hopf – 1st Dates – Long, but worth the read!!
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This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!
We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake.
This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays.
This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter ... snowing and quite cold ... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain,when she gradually began to realise that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to
disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour of the moment,she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chillycheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly
realised that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down."
........and you thought your first date was embarrassing!!!!
Jay Leno's comment ... "This gives a whole new meaning to being 'pissed off'."
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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