Hi Everyone!
To those of you that noticed that the fUNNIES were missing this past Friday, you were right! Our 2nd granddaughter was born on Friday afternoon, and we were called into action as baby sitters for granddaughter #1! I’m exhausted … and I’m sure my daughter-in-law Laura is much worse than me! But Martha Cecelia Domanski is here, is healthy, and is great!
Thanks for your patience! Hopefully a couple of these will get your chuckle fix! Note – lots for the old folks this week! And please, don’t take offense to some of these … they’re all here only in good fun!
“See” you Friday!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- Dr Steven – Best Menapause Question Ever
- Tom D – Will You Live to See 85?
- Tom Sokolowski – KC’s Class
- Elyse – What the Heck Pics
- Barbara Rosenberg – Old Age
- Syman – Joke of the Day
- Neil Stenlake - It's Hell to be Old
- Dick Sziede – The Teacher
- Chas Young - Politically Incorrect? It's Bound to Upset or Offend Someone!
- Stan Kegel – Adult Puns (be warned)
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(from Dr Steven – Best Menapause Question Ever
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How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!
BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry. What was the question?
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(from Tom D – Will You Live to See 85?
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I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said he thought I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, barbecued ribs or Sausage?'
I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, ride a Harley or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
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(from Tom sokolowski – KC’s Class
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The following supposedly is a true story told by KC Williams who teaches government at Santa Fe High School.
In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen at least 35 years old.
One girl in the class immediately complained how unfair was the requirement to be a natural-born citizen. Her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her talk, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, 'What makes a natural-born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?'
SHE MUST HAVE BEEN BLONDE!!!!!
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(from Elyse – What the Heck Pics
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(from Barbara Rosenberg – Old Age
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia .
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
' For fast relief .'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!
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one more from Barbara -
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (who was about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
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(from Syman – Joke of the Day
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Miss Louisa Hoover has announced her engagement to Eric Damn of Oil City, PA. The Hoover-Damn nuptials will take place on New Year's Eve with a honeymoon planned for Las Vegas.
Miss Elizabeth Flatt, daughter of Evan and Bea Flatt of Wapwallopen, has announced her engagement to Trey Foote, son of Mark and Mary Foote of Jester Hill. The Flatt-Foote nuptials are slated for next June.
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(from Neil Stenlake - It's Hell to be Old
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OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
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(from Dick Sziede – The Teacher
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After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect said, 'Let me see if I've got this right:
'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.
'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job. You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.
'You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. You want me to do all this and then you tell me:
I CAN'T PRAY?
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(from Chas Young - Politically Incorrect? It's Bound to Upset or Offend Someone!
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A Moslem has died and has arrived in Heaven. He is very excited as, all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks 'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up' And he points him to a ladder that rises into the clouds
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbed the ladder in great strides. He meets another bearded man. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'No, I am Jesus. Mohammed is higher up still' Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again, he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: 'Are you Mohammed?' 'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still' Exhausted but with heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps, as he is by now totally out of breath from all his climbing. 'No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?' 'Yes please, my Lord' God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: 'Mohammed, two coffees please.'
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(from Stan Kegel – Adult Puns (be warned)
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With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated. "Who turned on the f*cking lights?" a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess. The girl had had enough of this particular character. "These are the breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The f*cking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."
It had taken him several months, but the exec had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way. "And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home. "Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."
The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce: there was no sign that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual things that lead to this situation. The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of hobosexuality! The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked, "Don't you mean homosexuality?" "No!" she replied, "I mean hobosexuality. He's a bum lay!"
One day a woman was holding her 6 month old nephew and the baby kept grabbing her nose. Her husband, thinking he was being clever, said, "Well you know Hun, babies grab the biggest thing they see." She replied, "If that's true, you could be sitting there naked and he would STILL be grabbing your nose!"
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: HERE LIES MY WIFE - COLD AS EVER. Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone - in which the inscription read: HERE LIES MY HUSBAND - STIFF AT LAST
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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