28 November 2008
Hi Everyone!
Happy Holidays!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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· Stan Kegel – Adult Groaners
· SymanSays – Wrong Number
· Barbara Rosenberg – A Legal Question
· Chas Young – Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall …
· Chas – He Finally Did It!
· Tom Sokolowski AND Alan Schulman – Happy Thanksgiving!
· Stan Kegel – Thanksgiving Dinner Riddles
· Dick Sziede – Outtakes: 2008 Airline Survey
· EMDAlan – Things Are Not Always As They Seem
· Bill Huebsch – Presidential Blessing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(from Stan Kegel – Adult Groaners
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2 from Stan –
The citizens committee to clean up New York's porn-infested areas continued its series of rallies today, as a huge, throbbing, pulsating crowd sprang erect from nowhere and forced its way into the steaming nether regions surrounding the glistening, sweating intersection of Eighth Avenue and Forty-second Street. Thrusting, driving, pushing its way into the usually receptive neighborhood, the excited throng, now grown to five times its original size, rammed itself again and again and again into the quivering, perspiring, musty dankness, fluctuating between eager anticipation and trembling revulsion.
Suddenly the tumescent crowd and the irresistible area were one heaving, alternately melting and thawing turgid entity, ascending to heights heretofore unexperienced. Then with a gigantic, soul- searching, heart-stopping series of eruptions, it was over.
Afterwards, the crowd had a cigarette and went home.
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Three men were trying to guess the professions of their respective dates of the previous evening, judging by their bedroom performance and conversation. The first insisted that his date had been a nurse because she said, "Lie back and relax. This won't hurt a bit." The second concluded that his must have been a schoolteacher, because she had said, "Do it over and over until you get it right." The third figured that his date must have been a stewardess because all she had said was, "Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally."
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(from SymanSays – Wrong Number
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Wrong Number: -From ezines@arcamax.com-
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me coffee, quickly."
The voice from the other side responded, You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"
"No," repled the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" repled the trainee, and puts down the phone.
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(from Barbara Rosenberg – A Legal Question
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Is this statuetory rape?
Or is it just a moosedemeanor. .... ?
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(from Chas Young – Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall …
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Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.
Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?'
Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'
Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror, on the wall' to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest.
They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.
The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'
Angelina Jolie perked up and said: 'And I know for sure that I'm the most gorgeous of them all.'
But Brad Pitt lifted his sad face and said, 'Who the hell is Chas Young?'
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(Another from Chas – He Finally Did It!
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(from Tom Sokolowski AND from Alan Schulman! – Happy Thanksgiving!
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John tried and tried to change the bird ' s attitude by consistently saying only polite Words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ' clean up ' the bird ' s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. |
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,
'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior. ' John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
'May I ask what the turkey did? '
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(from Stan Kegel – Thanksgiving Dinner Riddles
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Q: What sort of glass would you serve cream of turkey soup in?
A: A goblet. (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Q: What is Alan Alda's favorite Thanksgiving food?
A: M*A*S*Hed potatoes. (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Q: What do you call sweet potatoes that are very outspoken?
A: Candid yams. (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Q: I have some relatives with Mohawk haircuts, multiple facial
piercings, and multitudinous tattoos. What should I serve them at
Thanksgiving?
A: Punk kin pie. (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Q: In my fantasies, I serve a bird with six legs so there's no squabbling. What are these four extra appendages called?
A: Dreamsticks. (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Q: My neighbor served a bird that was infected with salmonella and that she had failed to cook thoroughly. With what did all her guests suffer the next day?
A: The turkey trots. (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Q: When Priscilla realized that both Miles Standish and John Alden wanted her, what expression crossed her face?
A: A Pilgrin. (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Q: The local restaurant served overcooked turkey, lumpy gravy, and cold mashed potatoes. What did they advertise it as?
A: The Blooperplate Special. (By Cynthia MacGregor)
Q: NYC set up tall bleachers up and down Broadway this year so spectators could better view what slightly renamed event?
A: The May See Parade. (By Cynthia MacGregor)
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(from EMDAlan – Things Are Not Always As They Seem
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There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf and do lots of things that took two arms.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'
He said, 'I'm NOT happy ... My balls itch
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(from Dick Sziede – Outtakes: 2008 Airline Survey
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· The Rhett Butler of airlines: they just don't give a damn.
· Used to be great, now just grating...
· A Greyhound bus with wings.
· You get what you pay for - in other words, you don't get it if you don't pay extra for it!
· Eggs in a carton have more room.
· The only thing older than the planes are the flight attendants.
· Next they'll charge for using the air vents, seat belts and bathroom.
· Did I get fatter or did their seats get smaller?
· Too bad passengers can't chip in for a flight attendant friendliness upgrade.
· Just another cattle car, but the cows usually get more respect.
· Please bring change for your potato chips.
· These are tough times and your ass pays the price.
· The woman behind the counter told me to blame the Bush Administration.
· Trying hard to encourage us to drive.
· Like spending four hours in third class on the Titanic.
· Gets you where you're going ... sometimes.
· Bathrooms smell like the lion house at the zoo on a hot day.
· Domestic economy is a mobile prison only it lacks the food and the exercise yard.
· The boarding agents must have learned public relations from Genghis Khan.
· Flight attendants are creative in finding places to hide during the flight.
· Oh, for the good old days when we had food to complain about.
· Like the Flintstones, their planes are a page right out of history, and their service is bedrock.
· Would rather flap my arms than book this airline.
· They don't allow guns in the airport because passengers would shoot the desk clerks and be acquitted.
· A cross-country flight is as comfortable as a colonoscopy.
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(from Bill Huebsch – Presidential Blessing
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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