20 November 2008
Hi Everyone!
Turkey Day is coming soon … whoohoo … start getting ready!!! Hope you have a good one!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- Polish Divorce
- SymanSays – Thought Of the Day & Inspiratioin
- Chas Young – An Outrageous Aussie Joke
- Stan Kegel – Riddles
- Chas Young – Another of Einstein’s Theories
- Denny Adams – The Horth Withsperer
- Richard Sziede – A Series of Beers
- Jerry Valentine – Somethin’ Funny Goin’ On Here …
- Paul Keister – for Groaning Jokesters
- the Imberbabe – Try This Turkey Recipe
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(from Tom Sokolowski – Polish Divorce
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A Polish man moved to the UK and married an Aberdonian girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at Chemist and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
'Polish Remover'
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(from SymanSays – Thought Of the Day & Inspiratioin
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Thought For The Day:
What is a hermit?
A girl's basball glove.
~~~~~*****~~~~~
INSPIRATION: -From Teddi@alohabroadband.com-
** God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
** Dear God, I have a problem ~ it's me.
** There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.
** Do the math ~ count your blessings.
** Laugh every day; it's like inner jogging.
** Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.
** He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
** We do not remember days, but moments.
** Life is moving too fast ~ enjoy your precious moments.
** Life is uncertain, eat dessert first.
** There's something good in every day... enjoy yours.
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(from Chas Young – An Outrageous Aussie Joke
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A Northern Territory farm hand (an Aboriginal) has an accident in his Ute.
He radios back to the farm manager.
'Hey Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of me Ute. He's wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'
The manager says 'Ok. Keep cool. There's a 303 rifle behind the seat.
Take it and shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. 'Hey Boss. I done what you said Boss. I took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on.'
'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.
'Well Boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right front wheel arch."
'Hey Boss . . . . . . . . You still there, Boss?'
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(from Stan Kegel - Riddles
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Why are some pictures of bones only suitable for mature viewers?
Because they are X-Ray-ted (Gary Hallock)
If your boss sends you a message that you got a pay increase, by thumbing his blackberry- that is called a... what?
A Text Raise (Gary Reeves )
Why doesn't Sweden export cattle?
Because it wants to keep its Stockholm
What would happen if you swallowed a frog?
You might croak.
How do trees get on the Internet?
They log in.
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(from Chas Young – Another of Einstein’s Theories
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Naughty(ish) but worth a laugh!
Another of Einstein's Theories --
Einstein was born March 14, 1879.
He would be 129 if he were alive today.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as...
Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'
Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.
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(from Denny Adams – The Horth Withsperer
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A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin' horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeths, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's behind, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth, I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?
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(from Richard Sziede – A Series of Beers
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(Hope you remember a bit of calculus for this one! DrB)
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer …
The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.
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(from Jerry Valentine – Somethin’ Funny Goin’ On Here …
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What will I be when I grow up?
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(from Paul Keister – for Groaning Jokesters
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1. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I
couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but I just didn't have the thyme.
6. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut
the mustard.
7. My best job was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any
patience.
9. Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
10. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live
on my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the
work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for
the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a
historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
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(from the Imberbabe – Try This Turkey Recipe
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Here's a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving Turkey
that is sure to bring smiles from your guests!
(Your dinner will be the talk of the town if you try this!)
1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, positioning the foil very carefully; see attached picture for details.
3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.
4. Watch your guests' faces . . .
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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