14 November 2008
Hi Everyone!
All good … have an open mind … don’t get insulted easily … all truths you need for this weeks’ fUNNIES! Have a great weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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· Barbara Rosenberg – The Inventor of the Harley
· Jerry Valentine – Rectum Stretcher
· Tom Sokolowski – Beer
· EMDAlan – God Bless America
· SymanSays – of the Day
· EMDAlan – Birthday
· Stan Kegel – Puns & Riddles
· Elyse – Life’s Rewards
· Barry – Puns
· Joanne Tenaglio – Doctors’ Opinion of The Bail Out
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(from Barbara Rosenberg – The Inventor of the Harley
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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.' God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
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(from Jerry Valentine – Rectum Stretcher
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While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and hide him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS
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(from tom Sokolowski - Beer
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Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.
'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.' --Tim, 7 years old
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. ' --Mellanie, 7 years old
'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties,
but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.' --Grady, 7 years old
''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other,
which is a good thing.' --Toby, 7 years old
'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much. --Sarah, 7 years old
'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.' --Lilly, 7 years old
'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.' --Ethan, 7 years old
'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.' --Shirley, 7 years old
'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father.
Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.' --Jack, 7 years old
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(from EMDAlan – God Bless America
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No words can describe this video! :) DrB
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(from SymanSays – of the Day
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Thought For The Day:
"Too bad that all people who know how to run this country are busy
driving taxis and cutting hair." -George Burns-
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JOKE OF THE DAY:
Dog Newsppaper: -From ezines@arcamax.com
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning. "We got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."
Her husband replies, "Well, lots of dogs can do that."
The wife responded, "But we never subscribed to any!"
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(from EMDAlan - Birthday
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(from Stan Kegel – Puns & Riddles
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- What's the best day to go to the beach?
- Sun-day, of course!
- At what sports do waiters excel?
- Tennis. They really know how to serve.
- Why did the boy bury his batteries?
- Because they were dead
- What has eighteen legs and catches flies?
- A baseball team.
- What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy student?
- One baits his hook, the other hates his book.
- Why is a tree better than a watchdog?
- Because it has more bark!l
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(from Elyse – Life’s Rewards
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The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever b uilt on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you l ike of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'
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(from Barry - Puns
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· Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.
· A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
· A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.
· Dijun Vu: The same mustard as before.
· Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
· Does the word Pavlov ring a bell?
· Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
· When two egotists meet it’s an I for an I.
· Stupidity got us into this mess – why can’t it get us out?
· Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
· There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn’t get worse every year.
· I don’t mind going nowhere, as long as it’s on an interesting path.
· Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
· Indecision is the key to flexibility.
· It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
· I don’t get even, I get odder.
· In just two days tomorrow will be yesterday.
· I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
· I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce
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(from Joanne Tenaglio – Doctors’ Opinion of The Bail Out
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The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised
not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the
Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians
said, 'Oh, Grow up!' The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was
madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists
felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes
in Washington .
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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