30 May 2008

30 May 2008

Hi Everyone!

Hopefully, something for everybody! Enjoy the summer weekend! Whoohoo!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

• Neil Stenlake – Petrol Prices
• Mark Colman - A Float in the Parade
• Paul Keister – The Hillbilly Vasectomy
• Tom Sokolowski – Two Cows (Updated)
• EMDAlan – Reach Out And Touch Someone
• Dick Sziede – Little Vito Strikes Again
• John Meeker – Nutrition Alert
• Stan Kegel – Adult Humor
• Chas Young – For the Oldies Among Us

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Neil Stenlake – Petrol Prices

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Mark Colman - A Float in the Parade

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Paul Keister – The Hillbilly Vasectomy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to '10'.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to h is ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Texas, Louisiana, Georgia, Mississippi, Florida, West Virginia and Washington DC.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Tom Sokolowski – Two Cows (Updated)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.


REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one,
milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives
to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from EMDAlan – Reach Out And Touch Someone

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Rabbi,
I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting. My eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago Sunday school admonition to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry, and clothe the naked.' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out and touch this person'!

So I did..........

I won't be in temple this week!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Dick Sziede – Little Vito Strikes Again

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A school teacher in Brooklyn asked her 5th grade students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said;

"My family went to my grandfather's farm in the Catkills, and we all saw his pet sheep; it was fascinating."

The teacher said; "That was good Molly, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'."

Myron next raised his hand and said;

"My family went to see Atlantic City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said; "Well, that was also good Myron, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinated."

Then Little Vito raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Vito before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Vito said;

"My cousin Gina has a sweater with ten buttons; but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.

The teacher sat down and cried.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Chas Young – Thoughts of a Wandering Mind

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help 'groups'?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from John Meeker – Nutrition Alert

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word
on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer
heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink whatever the hell you like. Speaking English is
apparently what kills you, but the U.S. Government is trying to correct the
problem.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Stan Kegel – Adult Humor

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Chas Young – For the Oldies Among Us

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2008. All Rights Reserved.

Friday 16 May 2008

Enjoy the fRIDAY fUNNIES ... tell your friends who are demented ... send jokes ... and best of all, it's FREE!!! :) Dr Bernie

Friday 16 May 2008

The current issue of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can be found at
http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com (full media) and at http://groups.yahoo.com/groups/fridayfunniesbydrbernie (text-only).

The archives reside at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

16 May 2008

Hi Everyone!

It’s raining A LOT here … my knees hurt, my brain is fried, my body is simply pooped … but when I read these, it gave me the very needed laughs and giggles I needed! Have a great weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

· Chas Young - Marriage

· Tom Sokolowski – Tired Dog

· Maureen Zack – Can You Say …

· SymanSays - Violins

· Neil Stenlake – Mischievous Grandmas

· TomD – Funny Flight

· JackieTen – Baby Boomer Blues

· Denny Adams – I Owe My Mother

· Paul Keister – The Power of Beer

· Chuck Hopf – 1^st Dates – Long, but worth the read!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Chas Young - Marriage

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Tom Sokolowski – Tired Dog

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An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. May I come with him tomorrow?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Maureen Zack – Can You Say …

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from SymanSays - Violins

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Violins: -By Gilbert Krabs Via: Stan Kegel-

Isaac Stern practiced on his piano day and night. He practiced tonic scales, three tone scales, Oriental music; anything he could. He was constantly playing and practicing. His neighbors could no longer stand the noise and selected a man to spaek to him.

He knocked on Isaac's door, and when Isaac answered it, it was the first peace the neighbors had in weeks.

"Isaac," the man said, "Why are you driving us crazy with your constant palying?"

"I made a promise to myself," Isaac said, "to leave no tone unSterned."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Neil Stenlake – Mischievous Grandmas

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.' The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.' One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?' Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily yelled in unison 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from TomD – Funny Flight

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to San Antonio Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'.

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?'

'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... I 'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.. He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from JackieTen – Baby Boomer Blues

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BABY BOOMER BLUES

Some of the artists of the 60s are revising their hits with
new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:

1 . Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

2. The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

3. Bobby Darin Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

4. Ringo Starr I Get By With a Little Help from Depends

5. Roberta Flack The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

6. Johnny Nash I Can't See Clearly Now

7. Paul Simon- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

8. Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

9. Marvin Gaye - Heard it Through the Grape Nuts

10. Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair

11. Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

12. The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

13. Abba - Denture Queen

14. Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall

15. Helen Reddy - I am Woman, Hear me Snore

16. Willie Nelson - On the Throne Again

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Denny Adams – I Owe My Mother

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many of us have heard or used these!

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear,!
in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think
I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think
you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day! you'll have kids, and I hope
they turn out just like you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Paul Keister – The Power of Beer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Power of Beer

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs
the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a
head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and
compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him
to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the
biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously
and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip
of alcohol.


Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into
whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son t o drink again. The patrons
chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!!
Two arms pop out.


The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender
ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his
head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.


By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down,
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar
is in chaos.


The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on
his new legs and stumbles to the left, then to the right, then staggers right
through the front door into the street where a truck runs over him and kills
him instantly. The bar falls silent.


The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,


(Ya ready?)

*

*

*

*

(Don't hate me)

*

*

*

*

(Take a deep breath)

*

*

*

*


"He should've quit while he was a head!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Chuck Hopf – 1^st Dates – Long, but worth the read!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!
We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake.

This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays.

This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter ... snowing and quite cold ... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain,when she gradually began to realise that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to
disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour of the moment,she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chillycheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly
realised that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down."

........and you thought your first date was embarrassing!!!!

Jay Leno's comment ... "This gives a whole new meaning to being 'pissed off'."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2008. All Rights Reserved.

09 May 2008

9 May 2008

Hi Everyone!

Trying to catch up on the backload of great jokes … keep ‘em comin! Have a fab weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

• Steve Imberman – Can You Do This?
• cousin Eliane – Grandchildren
• Chaz Young – Second Opinion
• Chuck Hopf – A Biker and His Babe
• EMDAlan – How Long Can You Hold Your Breath
• cousin Toby – Journalistic License
• Another from cousin Toby – Mystery of the Dot
• SYMANSAYS – Wha?
• Mark Colman - Leaving Work Early
• Aunt Marilyn – Siblings

·

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Steve Imberman – Can You Do This?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now This Takes Skill!

Click To Play

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from cousin Eliane – Grandchildren

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.'
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'

#####

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.
As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'

#####

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like:
'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.
We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.'
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in.
At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'

#####

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?'
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?'
'You're both old,' he replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(from Chaz Young – Second Opinion

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E."

Joe was astonished, "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

ALWAYS get a second opinion...

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(from Chuck Hopf – A Biker and His Babe

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Any Day Now …

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(from EMDAlan – How Long Can You Hold Your Breath

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Click To Play

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(from cousin Toby – Journalistic License

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A biker was riding by the zoo, when he saw a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabbed her by the cuff of her jacket and tried to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumped off his bike, ran to the cage and hit the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumped back and let go of the girl. The biker then took her to her terrified parents, who thanked him endlessly.

A reporter saw the whole scene, and addressing the biker, said, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

'Why, it was nothing,' said the biker, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

'I noticed a patch on your jacket,' said the journalist.

'Yeah, I ride with an Israeli motorcycle club,' the biker replied.

'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist with the Times, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the front page.'

The following morning the biker bought the paper to see if it indeed brought out the news of his actions. On the front page was the headline:

'ISRAELI GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH'

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(Another from cousin Toby – Mystery of the Dot

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FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP FOR ME....

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a taxi cab, a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States

If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones and giving technical advice for Dell Computers.

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(from SYMANSAYS – Wha?

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My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer forom insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

Beauty is the eye of the beer holder.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

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(from Mark Colman - Leaving Work Early

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Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female Boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls

decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know

they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,

spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa

before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when

she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her

husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of

her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to

leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with

them.

'No way,' the blonde exclaimed. 'I almost got caught yesterday.'

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(from Aunt Marilyn – Siblings

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of
meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were
eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their
dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother, 'Don't eat it, it's an ass hole.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

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