Hi Everyone!
Happy New Year (again) … hopefully, you’re getting used to 2009 … I must admit it is a struggle for me, given that I’ve been stuck at age 12 for a long LONG time! Anyway, these should get you jump started for the weekend! Hope it’s not cold where you are! It’s too cold here for me!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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Jerry Valentine - What Is A Grandparent?
Denny Adams – 2009 Darwin Awards
Chas Young – Life is a Horserace
Neil Stenlake – Sensitive Man
denny adams – Dr Bob
Chas Young – Bill and Sam
Barbara Rosenberg – Sharing Peanuts
Paul Keister – 401K
Richard Sziede - Ear Infection
Neil Stenlake – Last White House Breakfast
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fROM Jerry Valentine - What Is A Grandparent?
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(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack time before
bed time and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived. ''Oh,'' he said, '' she lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.''
Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things but i don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.. '
Send this to other grandparents, almost grandparents, heck send it to everyone. It will make their day.
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fROM Denny Adams – 2009 Darwin Awards
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The Runner up --
RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to
commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested
by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his
terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a
substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to
carry concealed handguns in public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police
patrol car parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter,
having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the
officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a
few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned
fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other
customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one
else was hurt.
AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS.....
THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker’s earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.
--
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT
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fROM Chas Young – Life is a Horserace
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Interesting! http://blip.tv/file/1653383/
Do not open without headphones if in a public environment as it contains some inappropriate language!
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fROM Neil Stenlake – Sensitive Man
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The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organising the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'.
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another fROM denny adams – Dr Bob
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Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming, but every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
"Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last – and you're single. Just let it go..."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"Bob, you're a vet..."
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fROM Chas Young – Bill and Sam
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Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty. The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
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fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Sharing Peanuts
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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
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fROM Paul Keister – 401K
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After the market gutted my 401k retirement, I bought this tractor. It seems like the perfect match.
Great for today's investors.
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fROM Richard Sziede - Ear Infection
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A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
Then, the Receptionist, again, smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear.' The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
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fROM Neil Stenlake – Last White House Breakfast
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Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having their last breakfast at the
White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,
"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit please".
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. Looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink
And slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "how rude! You're starting
To act like President Clinton." and the waitress storms away.
Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers....
"It's pronounced 'quiche'."
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended.
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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