Hi Everyone!
I’m a big fan of “Great Moments in Presidential Speeches”, a part of David Letterman’s monologue each night … and I’ll miss it terribly. To highlight the Presidential transition, we’ve included a couple of fine photos from Neil Stenlake – Thanks Mate! Note, if you want to enlarge any photo in the fUNNIES, just double-click on it.
To all, best wishes for a great weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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- Neil Stenlake – Some Bush Gift Shop Items
- Cousin Eliane Lederman – The 11th Husband
- Maxine via symanSays – Proofreading is Becoming a Dying Art
- Maggie via Barry – The Geography of Men and Women
- Bruce via Barry – Ireland Declares War on France
- Chas Young – A Good Aussie Story
- Tom Sokolowski – Actual Court Transcripts
- Paul Keister - Winter
- Elyse – Your Weekend is Shot
- Jerry Valentine – A Little Clever
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From Neil Stenlake – Some Bush Gift Shop Items
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fROM Cousin Eliane Lederman – The 11th Husband
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A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told him "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What? How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
# 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
# 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
# 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
# 5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, and design a new state of the-art method.
#6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
# 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
# 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
# 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
# 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was ........... God, how I miss him.
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited"....... "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"Your 're with the "GOVERNMENT"....This time I KNOW I'M going to get SCREWED."
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fROM Maxine via symanSays – Proofreading is Becoming a Dying Art
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Proofreading Is Becoming a Dying Art: -From Maxine-
· Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter.
· Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.
· Police Begin Campaighn to Run Down Jaywalkers.
· Panda mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.
· Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
· Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant.
· War Dims Hope for Peace.
· If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.
· Cold Weather Linked to Temperatures.
· Red Tape Hold Up New Bridges.
· Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.
· Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
· Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.
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fROM Maggie via Barry – The Geography of Men and Women
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THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half
discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well
developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very
hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently
aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,
with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has
been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada,
self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful,
with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only
those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual
knowledge visit there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran,
Ruled by Nuts.
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fROM Bruce via Barry – Ireland Declares War on France
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Nicolas Sarkozy, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy a heavily accented voice said.
This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!
Well, Paddy, Sarkozy replied, This is indeed important news. How big is your army?
Right now, says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, there's meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven.
Sarkozy paused. I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.
Begoora says Paddy. I'll have to ring you back.
The next day, Paddy calls again. Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment.
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.
Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.
Sarkozy sighs. I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.
Saints preserve us! says Paddy. I'll have to get back to you.
Paddy rings again the next day. Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne. We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well.
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000.
Mary and Joseph says Paddy, I will have to ring you back.
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy, I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.
Really? I am sorry to hear that, says Sarkozy. Why the sudden change of heart?
Well, says Paddy, we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
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fROM Chas Young – A Good Aussie Story
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Strailya Mate!
An Aussie, a Kiwi and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
'In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice,' he says.
The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
'Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass either,' he says.
The Aussie, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman and says:
'In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – Actual Court Transcripts
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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fROM Paul Keister - Winter
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fROM Elyse – Your Weekend is Shot
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A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."
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fROM Jerry Valentine – A Little Clever
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1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still going to be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
8. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
10. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'
11. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
13. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
14. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
15. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
16. Don't join dangerous cults; practice safe sects.
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fROM Maureen Zack – Hmmm … This Explains Everything!
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fROM Chas Young – Twas the Month After Christmas …
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Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste The holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I stepped on the scales there displayed such a number!
When I walked to the store - less a walk, more a lumber!
I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared; The gravies, the sauces with beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the chocolates, the cheese And the way I had not said "No thanks" but "Yes please!"
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt - I said to myself, as only I can "You can't spend all winter disguised as a man!"
So away with the last of the sour cream dips, Get rid of the fruit cake, the chocolates, the chips.
Remains of food that I love must be banished 'Till all the additional kilos have vanished.
I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll make do and chew on a celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits or corn bread or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore - But isn't that just what January's for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
New Year greetings to all and success with the diet!
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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