23 January 2009
Hi Everyone!
Chaos abounds! Have a fabulous weekend!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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Contributions This Week From -
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Hank Levine via Barry – The Polite Way to Pee
Gerry Rusthoven – Signs the Country is in Trouble
Dick Sziede – Kids Art Work
DASDBill Fairchild – Nursing Home Days
indexed – It’s Not Like, ya know, I Eat Them!
Stan Kegel – Riddles
Jerry Valentine – Daddy’s Little Girl
the ImberBabe – Hollywood Squares
Chas Young – Official Survey
another fROM Chas - Wisdom on Marriage
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fROM Hank Levine via Barry – The Polite Way to Pee
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During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said , "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
The teacher fainted...
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fROM Gerry Rusthoven – Signs the Country is in Trouble
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A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!' (OMG)
_____
I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked 'Is it possible to see England from Canada?'
I said, 'No.'
She said, 'But they look so close on the map.' (OMG, again!)
_____
An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.' (Aghhhh)< /STRONG>
_____
An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 a..m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
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fROM Dick Sziede – Kids Art Work
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Look at the Picture first then ready the letter below. Pretty funny
| A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment
After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note: Dear Ms. Davis,
|
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fROM DASDBill Fairchild – Nursing Home Days
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This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored
a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch
as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all
Humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens
luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my
family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone
is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received
one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The
other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It
was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I
told her to kiss my ass.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna
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fROM indexed – It’s Not Like, ya know, I Eat Them!
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fROM Stan Kegel - Riddles
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What would you get if you combined a stereo and a refrigerator?
Very cool music.
Why are movie stars cool?
Because they have so many fans.
Why are pianos so noble?
Many are upright and the rest are grand.
Why couldn't anyone play cards on the ark?
Because Noah sat on the deck.
What happened to the kid who ran away with the circus?
The police made him bring it back.
What is a boiling kettle's favourite song?
"Home on the Range. "
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fROM Jerry Valentine – Daddy’s Little Girl
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One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup
of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know.)........
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'
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fROM the ImberBabe – Hollywood Squares
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If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
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fROM Chas Young – Official Survey
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Sex in the Shower.
In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut), people from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 86% of Detroit's and Chicago's inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
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another fROM Chas - Wisdom on Marriage
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Sacha Guitry
By all means marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things,
and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous
The great question...
which I have not been able to answer...
is "What does a woman want?" Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' Anonymous
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' Sam Kinison
I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't. James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once.... Nash
You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to. Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met. Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
'Wife wanted'.
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.' Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous
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Hope everybody has a great weekend!
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Dr. Bernie Domanski
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