2 January 2009
Hi Everyone!
Hope you enjoyed the holiday season! Best wishes for a terrific superdooper fantastic happy and healthy 2009!
:-)> Dr Bernie
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cONTRIBUTIONS tHIS wEEK fROM -
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Paul Keister – Have Mercy!
Jim Ertner via SymanSays - Jest For The Pun Of It
Elyse K – Did You Know? AND Is That Your Husband?
Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
Tom Sokolowski – The Black Hole
Sokolowski – Lovemaking Tips for Seniors
Frank Ingrassia – Top 4 Adult Jokes
SymanSays – What Kind of Year Will It Be?
Marty Brake – Can You Read This?
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fROM Paul Keister – Have Mercy!
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.' And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP!'
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fROM Jim Ertner via SymanSays - Jest For The Pun Of It
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Defunitions: -From The Pun American Newsletter-
Flea: An insect that starts from scratch.
Fly ball: A dance for bugs.
Flying buttress: A flying nanny goat.
Furling: Desire for a mink coat.
Gatorade: Welfare for alligators.
Hen: Mother clucker.
Hogwash: A facility for cleaning pigs.
Horse sense: Something a horse has that keeps it from betting on people.
Humbug: A singing beetle.
Insecticide: A bug's method of killing itself.
Taking a deer census: Go from doe to doe.
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fROM Elyse K – Did You Know?
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‘since we’re embarking on a new year, take 5 minutes out to think about this …
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL9Wu2kWwSY
allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344">
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fROM Elyse K – Is That Your Husband?
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After a night of making love the guy rolls over and says, "That's the best sex I've ever had!"
Then he notices a picture of a man on the night stand, so he began to worry.
"Is that your husband?"
"No silly," she replied as she snuggled to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, not at all," she said as she nibbled at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" the bewildered man demanded.
Calmly the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery..."
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fROM Stan Kegel – Jest for Kids
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JEST FOR KIDS 12-31-08 - Riuddles and Puns for the 8 to 14 year old
RIDDLES
Why are cheetahs an endangered species?
Because cheetahs never prosper.
Where do peas have their sight tested?
In an iPod. (Mike Bull)
Why do boxers wear their gloves to bed?
So they can hit the sack!
Where do snowmen keep their money?
In a snowbank
On what kind of ships do students study?
Scholarships.
PUNS
Skydivers are good till the last drop.
My car developed quite a few dings and scratches since my two boys began driving. These are the early symptoms of "parkin' son's disease."
Scientists are planning to put 300 head of cattle into orbit. It'll be the herd shot round the world.
Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?" Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"
If the FBI augmented its postal posters of 10 Most Wanted by painting the info on coffee containers and dispensing them, would I drink my morning coffee from a mug with the mug of a mugger? (Cynthia MacGregor)
A one-armed clock maker wished he had a second hand.
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fROM Tom Sokolowski – The Black Hole
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I loved this one! J DrB
http://www.koreus.com/video/the-black-hole
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One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.'
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It will be a better year if you tell a funny story to that worried man next to you. Help a skinny kid how to swim. Keep a box of buscuits in the kitchen and treat a stray dog when he comes to your door. Encourage young talents. Learn to cook Vel Scaloppine. Catch a fish. Fall in love. Get a tan. Excerise. Laugh. Build. Grow. Also - spit on your hands and get some work done. A cynic once said, "Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on banks where they have no account." But good deeds are solid gold that men put into banks that compound interest every day. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To my 'selected' strange-minded friends: If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great minds can read this
+++++++++++++++++++++++++ Hope everybody has a great weekend! tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it! Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email! Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dr. Bernie Domanski Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.
The Black Hole -
fROM Sokolowski – Lovemaking Tips for Seniors
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Lovemaking tips for Seniors
1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
(I sent this in large type so you can read it.)
fROM Frank Ingrassia – Top 4 Adult Jokes
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Fourth Place :
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
Third Place :
Runner Up:
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
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Winner:
fROM SymanSays – What Kind of Year Will It Be?
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from Newsweek – What Kind of Year Will It Be?
fROM Marty Brake – Can You Read This?
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I can … and hopefully, you can too! Thanks Marty! J DrB
This is weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is t aht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com
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