Friday, January 30, 2009

fRIDAY 30 jAN 2009

30 January 2009

Hi Everyone!

Hi Guys? How y’all doin’? (I’m practicin’ up on my ‘southern’!) I’ve included a couple of Bumper Stickers (thanks to Barbara Rosenberg!) that the oldies will get a kick out of ! And y'all just have to watch the Mom song!

Have a super doper Superbowl weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

· Jerry Valentine – The Other Stall

· Cousin Toby – AARP Fact Sheet

· feedblitz – Another Reason the Internet Has Saved My Butt

· Denny Adams – Irish Toast

· Neil Stenlake – The Mom Song

· Barbara Rosenberg – Only a Mother Would Know

· Dennis B-Reynaud via Barry - The LIDL Greeter

· GCross via Paul Keister – Cat Story

· Aunt Marilyn – If They Had a Jewish Mother …

· Chas Young – Five Degrees of Blonde

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Cousin Toby – AARP Fact Sheet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: 'Gosh, I remember these.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Jerry Valentine – The Other Stall
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Other Stall

This could happen to you!

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doing' just fine!'

And the other person says: 'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? I'm thinking this is bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh I'm like you, just sitting here.'

I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question: 'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say:
'No.....I'm a little busy right now!'


Then I hear the person say, nervously: 'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM feedblitz – Another Reason the Internet Has Saved My Butt
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Denny Adams – Irish Toast
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night".

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Neil Stenlake – The Mom Song ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://blip.tv/?file_type=flv;sort=date;date=;id=1721326;s=file

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Barbara Rosenberg – Only a Mother Would Know
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Dennis B-Reynaud via Barry - The LIDL Greeter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tatooed, welfare dependent woman wearing a Dublin top walked in to LIDL in Killinarden (a sprawling corporation estate in Tallaght) with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The LIDL greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, Madam, and welcome to LIDL.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'F*ck, no, dey're not twins. De oldest is 9 and de udder one's 7. How could dey be twins. Are you f*ckin' blind or just plain stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,' replied the greeter. 'I just can't believe you've been shagged twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at LIDL!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM GCross via Paul Keister – Cat Story
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered
our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.


We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.


The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We
didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat
the bird.


My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my
wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for
the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out
soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'


A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,'
I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.
I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried
to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in
a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her
fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'


The cab driver hit a parked car

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Aunt Marilyn – If They Had a Jewish Mother …
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written."

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Why can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off of the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "All right, if your're not hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Again with the hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and go to sleep!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bed-time!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "But it's your senior photograph! Couldn't you have done something with your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: "That's a good story! Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years!"

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on braces?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chas Young – Five Degrees of Blonde
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun,and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'

FIFTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.

Friday, January 23, 2009

fRIDAY 23 jAN 2009

23 January 2009

Hi Everyone!

Chaos abounds! Have a fabulous weekend!

:-)> Dr Bernie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Contributions This Week From -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hank Levine via Barry – The Polite Way to Pee

Gerry Rusthoven – Signs the Country is in Trouble

Dick Sziede – Kids Art Work

DASDBill Fairchild – Nursing Home Days

indexed – It’s Not Like, ya know, I Eat Them!

Stan Kegel – Riddles

Jerry Valentine – Daddy’s Little Girl

the ImberBabe – Hollywood Squares

Chas Young – Official Survey

another fROM Chas - Wisdom on Marriage

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Hank Levine via Barry – The Polite Way to Pee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said , "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Gerry Rusthoven – Signs the Country is in Trouble
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!' (OMG)
_____

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked 'Is it possible to see England from Canada?'
I said, 'No.'
She said, 'But they look so close on the map.' (OMG, again!)
_____

An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.' (Aghhhh)< /STRONG>
_____

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 a..m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.

Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Dick Sziede – Kids Art Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Look at the Picture first then ready the letter below. Pretty funny

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment

After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be very clear on my child’s illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This picture is of me selling a shovel.
Mrs. H

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM DASDBill Fairchild – Nursing Home Days
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored
a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch
as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all
Humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.


Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens
luncheon.

I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my
family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone
is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received
one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The
other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It
was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I
told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM indexed – It’s Not Like, ya know, I Eat Them!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Stan Kegel - Riddles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What would you get if you combined a stereo and a refrigerator?

Very cool music.

Why are movie stars cool?

Because they have so many fans.

Why are pianos so noble?

Many are upright and the rest are grand.

Why couldn't anyone play cards on the ark?

Because Noah sat on the deck.

What happened to the kid who ran away with the circus?

The police made him bring it back.

What is a boiling kettle's favourite song?

"Home on the Range. "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Jerry Valentine – Daddy’s Little Girl
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup

of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know.)........

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM the ImberBabe – Hollywood Squares
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..



Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fROM Chas Young – Official Survey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sex in the Shower.

In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut), people from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 86% of Detroit's and Chicago's inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
another fROM Chas - Wisdom on Marriage
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Sacha Guitry

By all means marry.

If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.

If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things,

and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous

The great question...

which I have not been able to answer...

is "What does a woman want?" Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' Sam Kinison

I've had bad luck with both my wives.

The first one left me, and the second one didn't. James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.

2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it

once.... Nash

You know what I did before I married?

Anything I wanted to. Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met. Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:

'Wife wanted'.

Next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing:

'You can have mine.' Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'

Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

tHE fRIDAY fUNNIES is a free, weekly distribution by a lunatic to other lunatics who submit lunacy for the other lunatics to read and enjoy to get the weekend started. No personal offense is intended to any group of humans or aliens, so please, don't be offended. Contributions (jokes, NOT money!) are actively encouraged - actually desperately needed - and should be sent directly to ME, Dr Bernie, at
fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

Have you gotten this fUNNIES from a friend? Wanna be on the distribution list? Surf over to http://fridayfunniesbydrbernie.blogspot.com and just enter your email address in the ‘subscribe’ box. I promise you’ll never get anything other than fUNNIES. That's all there is to it!

Need to UNsubscribe? Instructions are always at the bottom of the weekly email!

Finally, the archives of the fRIDAY fUNNIES can usually be found at http://fridayfunnies.webhop.net

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Bernie Domanski

Email: fRIDAYfUNNIESbyDrBernie-owner@yahoogroups.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

©fRIDAY fUNNIES, 1996-2009. All Rights Reserved.